touching love

I am amused by the notion of touching love, not so much that its literally impossible to do so, but in that even I rational as I may think myself to be - want to touch love. Stay with me- I want to feel its grains between my fingers, to hear its whisper, to feel its caress against my skin. To lay with love quietly in the sun to feel its warmth and its coolness to make it stay to make it alive in my own world.
I want to identify love for myself, to keep it close to my heart, to gently hold it so as never to squeeze too tight or even to suffocate it.  I want to see love in my dreams and in my realities. To command it to my light and send it to my dark corners. I want to feel the nature of love to know its perfection to introduce it to myself.
The early mornings on the road feel like love, the way the dew clings at my shoes the grass making way for me the tar gently accommodating me the air caressing every exposed part of me. The laughter of the birds chirping the beauty of the red sun coming up after the earth completes yet another successful spin around its axis.
I'm amused because somewhere deep inside me I know that love's nature is engraved in me. I know its texture its fineness its caress, its peace, its openness and f course, Love is in my hands because his hand touches mine.

bright

I wonder why we never appreciate winter, why we don't acknowledge that like all the other seasons life would not be the same without winter. we would not look forward to spring rains and vegetation. we wouldn't know how to appreciate summer either. So now that we're here wish we could take a moment to appreciate the season open our eyes wide and look forward to more family time in the cold season and more appreciation for home cooked meals. For those who can afford it, winter fashion is also just stunning. so why is it that we dread winter so? knowing so well that in its own way, not only is winter bright its also a form of hope, that no matter how tough times appear to be somewhere beyond the horizon there is season ready to burst into our lives.

Appreciating this time isn't ideal, of course. That said though, one needs to plan for winter like we do every other season. Fixing the wardrobe and bedding well on time and perhaps even make it a time to strengthen your relationship with your partner.. Learning how to make healthy snacks and soups together could really help a couple bond. There is something particularly appealing about staying home in the winter, entertaining only those with the same interests as us. It helps us discover things about ourselves and our partners that bring us closer in their cuteness or even in their annoying way. Learning that your partner's feet are always cold in the winter isn't a cute thing but it must mean they need your warm feet to warm their own, it is a bond thing. Or that they like to nuzzle is lovely to feel warm breath on the crook of your neck.

It is many things in our lives that brighten up our moods, for some is the smile of a child, others the laughter of a lover for some its the smell of print in a new book and for quite a few of us, its the light tap of paws on tile that fills us with complete and utter brightness. I feel as though I may be deviating from what I mean to explain, brightness is not in contrast, it just is. Next time you see a drooling baby on the next pew in church, or on the bench next to you in the doctor's office, look into his eyes seek brightness, you will never miss it.!

gut feeling

I am of the sentiment that if a suggestion is made about your life and it does not feel right, then you can discard it. It is common to seek advice when in doubt especially when our own plan has left you bruised with nowhere to go. it is however not a good idea to go about with just any suggestion because you currently feel like a failure. the best of us switch on the light to asses the situation while the rest of us pull our blankets over our heads and disregard any light from outside. Hoping in this darkness that light will come from within. Of course we have a light within, but it is not like the sun it does not burn without fuel. 

Sometimes we get angry at the things and people we cannot necessarily yell at. We sit by our beds and curse until tears burning in our eyes come spilling. In the depths of our hearts though, there is that one flicker of a feeling that always reminds us where ground zero is. Sometimes because of anger, frustration good old raw pain, we refuse to listen to this feeling because we wonder why this is any different from the betrayal that has left us feeling done in.

Its  that boy that suddenly pops up in your life that has never been any good. It is that habit that you quit but is oh so desireable again right at this moment. It is that forbidden fruit that seems at its ripest just when you feel that hankering. That nagging feeling that reminds you of your last trip to the emergency room, that annoying persistent voice that just won't shut up about the pain and humiliation that boy brought you the last time he paid you the same visit, that song that just won't be quiet in your head? Do you hear it? Do you remember it? Well that's you guy feeling looking out for you. Listen to the ol' gal she has wisdom!

Waiting for you

How can i let you go? Whenever i wake up in the morning i'm anxious to see what you thought of this morning when u left for work, the little message u tucked under my pillow on my trusted messenger. I wonder if i was the first thought on your mind. I wonder if you watched out of me to see if i was online, if u kept your thoughts throughout the night to avoid being uncool. I prayed that once u decided you stuck to your guns. That if you left you would say "goodbye" and if you stayed you'd say "u'r my home" but that either way, i told myself, that i would never cry over you. I made peace with the reality that life won't give me handouts but you in my life however inexplicable is a close enough comparison. I would not know how to draw up a character like you, how to make the vegetation around you greener and the water clearer. In my lifelike stories i could never explain the elusive way you move in and out of my life, the sweet way you find me and lose me again. the incredible way i have no idea how to captivate you but somehow u always seem enchanted.

But I'm afraid time has come to take a stand, to colour in the corners I've neglected. I know what love has always been to me, yours has redefined all that for me. So sitting here dreaming and swallowing what little pride I've accumulated. I let you go, and hope u find me that u make me a promise that u dream with me that you let me become a part of your sunny sky, colourful world. I won't ask though not because I don't want you to, but because you need this space to make these decisions...but yet somewhere in the hooks and crooks of my life i beg u to choose for the suspense is killing me. Its always a challenge to wait for you.

before I fell in love

1. I wanted to cry while reading a fantasy book
2. I wanedt to paint the inside of my bedroom a vibrant turquoise and write a silly declaration
3. Spend my days consumed by a work I truly enjoy
4. Grin at a stranger and encourage them to grin back
5. Cycle beyond what limits I ever set for myself
6. Run and complete a marathon
7. Dance with my father
8. Say goodbye to my past romantic links
9. Sing my favourite song with whatever pitch my voice will accomodate (in public)
10. Publish an article i truly believe in
11.  Wear high heels all day without complaining
12. Provide a platform to help a younger person reach a dream
13. Allow myself to laugh even when I'd rather cry
14. Be more diverse in my reading
15. Open my eyes to a child's understanding
16. Rock a child to sleep
17. Change into my pjs (only) after the sun sets
18. Visit a nude beach
19. Run for a cause
20. Dance without inhibitions
21. Blow a pay cheque on an unplanned short vacation
22. Spend a long weekend in my house pretending to be the last person on earth
23. Walk a dog in the morning before I'm fully done sleeping
24. Read a book out loud (entire book)
25. Learn how to use a compass
26. Test drive an expensive car
27. Type woth my eyes c.lsed (type with my eyes closed)
28. Learn a language I might never use
29. Pray the way I believe I would if I had never seen anyone pray
30. Create a wall of love in the middle of a popular mall.

Now I want to do all these, just with him by my side.

mother daughter talk

When i first saw a lighthouse, i didn't know what it was. I did not take note of it. In fact i remembered it in retrospect. Or did I? You see i frankly cannot quite touch that elusive moment in my life when I recognised a light house for its purpose. These are the little things that tug at the sides of my mind because for me a lighthouse is a way for anyone to find their way home. Whether is a sailor on the rough seas or a child that's lost their way. Its like falling into the right arms, to sob onto the appropriate shoulder or to cuddle against the right body.

My whole dating life I never once spoke to my mother about the kind of life I led, I never had an opportunity to speak to her on issues that led to broken hearts and broken spirits. Neither one of us knew how to approach it. We spoke of universal hypothetical situations and she tensed at the thought of me being tickled by a boy or even remotely being interested in a boy. She preached better grades and growing up. She preached independence and eventually as subtly as she could a lifelong singlehood. I would love to blame her for all my heartbreaks and what failures i could claim to have, but that would be a stupid move on my side, because with all her non-talks my mother prepared me for the one talk that ever mattered.

"There isn't a marriage in the world that can survive without love." I thought to my shocked self, 'well of course' and then she went on to tell me that when a woman is loved she is supported in all her endeavours  she is given room to be with her thoughts, she is spoken to, and she is her partner's friend. She told me that a woman can earn more or less that she can have no taste or lots of taste, but if she is loved these do not make any difference in the home. My somewhat traditional mother told me her young impressionable take on the world daughter that what I need isn't a loaded man, but a man willing to do more for me simply because I'm me, she said i don't need a man that's handsome as long as he is kind to me and loves me completely.

As my mother spoke that mellow way she does when she is calm, against my own partner i made a mental check list and whatever result I had i realised that my mother is afraid to let me go, not because she is possessive of me or my sister or my brothers but because my mother is afraid of losing us to a world that won't love us how she feels we deserve or failing to make the life that she wishes for us. I can't imagine a life without my loving funny happy go-lucky stubborn partner, how can I show my deeply traditional mother that life is going  to happen? To assure her that she raised a dysfunctional, happy, passionate child who has gotten her heartbroken but is still ready to love and give her all, how can i show her that in all her protection my mother herself in me?

flowers + tears

The moment my eyes close for the night, knowing that there is no more prying eyes and listening ears I let tears roll to the side of my face and fall quietly into my very understanding pillow. It is not that am afraid or hurt no, contrary my tears fall because sometimes its relief that I made it through the day without falling apart. It is that realise that despite what failures I have backed up in my file still do not define me. My tears fall because I have gotten through another day. So it might be that tears are not an emotion on their own, perhaps tears are just to show us that we're alive amidst all our troubles we are here alive and well enough t breath.
My tears have accompanied me when was a child afraid and lonely, they were there in the darkest of moments but while always attached tears to pain have seen tears fall down my cheeks meeting at the chin because I see me at peace.
But the flowers, they show us there is something new. Something beautiful something that will bring serenity, that will open our eyes to a new day... Flowers are a token of appreciation, they are peace offering and they say farewell  too. so why flowers and tears?

Imagine if joy in pain existed in one room

friend on hire

I am an adult. I make adult decisions and I carry myself in that responsible adult manner. I choose my meals,My pleasures and my company as an adult. there are though, those friends of course that manage to choose me, kind friends, funny friends and very influential friends. Every one of them relates differently to me, because of intellect, entertainment preferences, common interest and possibly even likeness. I am working with the assumption that "birds of a feather" which appreciates that, when one chooses mates its people who in one way or other mirror their character. But there are also people who choose to be our pals to get what they need or to be able to get into the company they see you with, not because they see themselves in this group but rather they believe there are rtain benefits the group can expose the individual to. The friend mentioned here isn't a terrible person, infact this is one that needs help to do better. Using u as a stepping stone is unfortunate but if it does more people good, and it is done with dicretion I might even go to the point of endorsing it.
Then there are friends who seek us out to feel better about themselves, for most people these friends once found out they are discarded (reasonably so) but a few of us go about life dealing with these oppressive friends (for lack of a bettter word) because we know without us survival is impossible for them, and so we learn their patterns and try to get them out of their social barbarism into the real world. I appreciate that friends aren't by no means equal (yes!) Infact every group, one way or another has a ring leader, the most influential but friends who hide their insecurities with ours need a better friendship than we generally can offer so, support is needed.
I'm however not so diplomatic when it comes to a friend who outright uses us, a friend who is always in need, a friend who sells their friendship for shopping and and car maintenance, a friend who hires out a shoulder to cry on and slaps us in the face with our problems, this friend cannot be needed because it is disappointing whenever we do. The property we use from this friend is fussed over maintened needlessly and in some cases compensation is solocited. This friend will suck you dry and pick at you bones like a vulture. There will not be hesitation to volunteer you for a resource needing project if it makes them look better. So what am I saying here? Whether you choose a friend or a friend chooses you, be very careful of what friend this is, because as it urns out every friendship can be twisted into a heavy load on our shoulder.
What about you? what kind of friend are you?

reality (beyond me)

It is not a far cry to say there is a reality within which our individual realities lie. It's a mother to all of ours. It's that moment when after you have planned a smooth get-away you find that there is unrest in the area you had chosen as ideal. It sometimes is the challenge you face when you have managed to go through everything else and come out with scars and still have reality the bitter sweet cake to sink your teeth into. It's basically now what? Just because you have had your heart broken and you managed to come out a better person does not mean reality will be any kinder to you than anyone else in the world. Having said that, I also know for certain that sometimes when reality hits it's fine because we needed to know that it was happening everything that we thought was too far and too wild is happning because it is our reality. I'm humbled by my own realisation that truly there is a more powerful force controlling every event as it occurs. That while plan and plot, someOne else is making things happen right then.That while pray that someone might miss me enough to rush to me today rather than next week this One just decides will manage to see my loved four consecutive weekends. Get used to it and be (once again) humbled by the reality that have no control over anything but how use the time that I am given as it is allocated.

Should I get a chance like this again, more chances to show them I love them my loved ones will be given every affection in real-time because as reality would have it, hind-sight love and affection is only thoughts iin my head not a true reflection of who someone is to me and how I feel about them and their presence in my life. So while have no chance to shape my reality (or wish it) I know it is not strange or impossible to live in the present moment and give yourself and your loved ones a chance to experience love and affection right then. Kiss him, tell him how you feel, hold her, tell her how delightful her laugh is to your ears and to your heart. Remember this reality is only valid for now, there will not be another quite like it.

heart

I was once described as an intense person. And it was actually (believe it or not) a compliment. I remember thinking so my school girl practice of loving hard allso like I've never been hurt was actually a good practice. however I was later persecuted by the same person that had so absolutely dished out this incredible compliment. To my surprise though, my heart was not dettered. I remember getting into another relationship a few months where couldn't stop myself crying, smiling and loving yet again with the same passion that was scolded before. so it occured to me that if I don't see myself as good enough and as a whole normal person, no one will brand me such.
Since life is life and some things just won't change or work out this relationship lost too, to the distance and time that neither one of us had control over. and yet today as sit hre my heart contentbecause I know that not only am I a  perfectly normal human being but lso that I'm capable of loving and being loved. I carry a hope and passuon in me that I can't regulate make bigger or smaller as I  please. Can someone ask them to hold us tight, to help our harts believe again? to give us a new elevated hope in love? Can a kind someone ask hem to show us how to breath without the absolute scare that we might bebreathing in bad luck? Can someone let us all know t is okay to fall in love? To know that love does not have to hurt? Is someone out there going to let love be love? to encourage young men nd women to have heart, to allow the heart to speak? Is someone out there listening to the heart profess love profess commitment? what about u and me? do we know our heart? do we listen to our hearts cry out?

found

So you found love, what's next! it's not great secret that all of us what no know the secret of how love is kept once found. it's also a step that we all forget until the time comes when  it is a necessity to know what's next. it's a matter of commitment, friendship, trust, passion and a lasting reliance. how does one know though, how to keep it alive when the passion has been ignited and the need for the other seems to burn too bright that there is no end in sight? can one plan for how to keep the love/relationship alive once it has been established? do we even consider (truly) the future when we get into relationship? all this considered how would one go about it? does my planning for te future with him simply mean I'm trying to piece together unnaturally something that should simply be? or have I truly learnt what a true union means?
is it not hard to wonder while in his arms what ten years would be like with him? wouldn't it be better if we could simply live in the moment? today I have no great wisdom to patch this up, instead, I will just share what think should be the case when one has found. I believe that a woman is at liberty to choose where she goes, that it is her that decides how a man will treat her, she has to be clear from the very beginning of what she wants. if it is not fulfilled then, when the man still claims great passion, it will never be done. a woman decides the course of the relationship from the way she presents herself to the relationship. a woman who enjoys outdoors and  an active lifestyle needs to be clear from the on set what she is about so that the mate who picks her knows what he is getting into. just as a woman who enjoys walks and a generally quiet life has to be clear from the onset.
Somehow though, when we found the one who makes our lives feel filfilled we somehow turn into a version of the man with whom we find ourselves, we lose our being into them and lose identity as a result. all will say is, now you found him, attracted with your natural being of unaffected laugh and quick feminine walk . why are you hiding your true self in his true self? take charge when you found him, not aggresion just be true to yourself, when you found him.

bliss

What might I say to my children about love? Don't fall in love with a dreamer? Love is exciting and sacred? Love is kind and sweet? Perhaps might simply say, "When at first you don't succeed, try try try again."  What about when she is infactuated? What might say to my little girl about the affections that she understands as love? Might scold her and keep her chained within 3metres from the house? or might say, "Let your heart and your mind be in sync"? I wonder about how might help her through her heartbreak, whether I'll be stern like my own grown folk or whether I'll make the girl some lemon tea and rub her back.
My experience is that no matter how proactive a girl is, there is nver reason for her to hunt love down. it occured to me that sometimes in our pursuit for love and or famously happiness we are hostile and "take no prisoners" forgetting that in love hostility is like a bug in gardens. Someone told me once that love cannot be captured and cannot be locked down and eventhough we work at relationships love is not manufactured and therefore cannot be purchased...
What's my experience of bliss though? I belive this is the kind of feeling where you know how a walk in the puff of cloud might feel, how kissing raindrops might be and perhaps most importantly when nothing else matters but the smile that reflects your own in the person sitting opposite you or beside you.
What about you and me? Do we know bliss the peaceful happiness that people wear like a thin sheet of glass? Or are we still arrogant enough to compare this rare feeling with relationships in general?

vows

I have always been fascinated by promises men and women make to each other on their wedding. the way they smile then cry then kiss each other. the declaration that there will be no other that nothing will ever be more important that the two of them and their  family. I might even mention that it, on a lot of occasions brought a tear to my eye. wonder though if I will feel that way when my turn comes. It occurs to me that some things are better looking in from the outside. that said want them to be mine and his, to be just for us. for example, I want him to tell me why he wants to marry me, how he will be loyal to us, our union our family.
So like a young woman, once a girl I want promises made to be kept. Until a few weeks ago I knew that promises were meant to be broken but I allow myself to believe it. In my mind there was a simple question, Why then should a promise be made if there is no intention to keep it? Again I made a promise to myself to make promises I can keep and to only allow promises to be made if I felt they are real. It occured to me that almost every promise been made to me has been broken. Chatting with a close friend I asked that  he vow to me, as a potential life partner it amazed me the things he said, but was even more amazing was the way his eyes danced and his palms shook. And I wondered just then, how?
I've made just one promise, I will love with all my heart, knowing there is always a possibility of being let down, it deter me I will love hard. this promise I've kept! what vow have you made will you keep it?

the porter's hand

Its only now that realise there is a consistency to things do. love hard, get broken hearted and start all over again. break limbs trying to climb to the highest so yell from high above its true,I fell for you. I grin at the baby in its mother's arms in the seat next to me on that long long queue at the immigration house because goodness knows when you are on my mind nothing can get me down from that high. its toothless grin its all it takes to make me roll on the floor laughing. you do that to me, every single day. even when you make me sad there is still that piece of me that cannot cry forever because know perfection is what is on my mind but you are just the next best thing.
Why did the maker design your eyes like u could be awake or asleep the difference is subtle? or your nose sharp and its bridge flat like a good enough path to rely on to get home? what about the lips that part a little in the middle to give me a peek but never enough for me to actually see anything and maybe if you chocolate skin did not seem to drip pure beauty my  eyes water when you turn to leave, what of those arms that hold me once and make me feel like in lifetimes to come I will still dream of the subtle smell of fresh the skin on ur man hands brushing kindly, shyly against mine? but you I forget quickly the smile u give, yes that small elegant smile that makes my knees weak and my heart beats like a drum in my ear.
I now know the maker to be a porter, to turn a boy into a man. to make him right from all angles, to give him the best ear to listen to demzels in distress to hear a brother's plea, your arms so strong and wide enough to send what the porter intended. I wonder if the porter will give me you for I know you now, and a I appreciate every piece of perfection and or flaw that the porter's hand made...

endless

I am wiser now, I no better now, there are tragedies have witnessed however small in other eyes in mine they have been epic. Learning about love,peace and hope for me has been centrerd around tolerance, sacrifice and a special kind of sacrice. whta am I doing so wrong to continue to disappoint and get disappointed in love and in life and even in friendships? experiences in my life have been quiet but catastrophic  in their own way but because I am of goodness and love still forge on.

Insanity has been rightly desribed as "repeating the same ation but expecting different results" in my quest to get away from insanity I removed myself and my emotions when finding a partner, I learnt about love with no overshadows of sex and the blinding insecurities of beauty and worth, instead I learnt about peace of mind, about hope, patience tolerance respect and above all this learnt that without all these, there is no chance at all for love.

What then am I saying about love? that sometimes to get back her worth, a woman needs to let a man chase her court her with dignity. she needs to learn to accept compliments, she needs to sit out a cheque at the restaurant and that door better be open for her. a woman need not go after a man she believes she loves but rather allow a suitor who adores her to display that adroation in her life, why? because those that we choose for ourselves don't enjoy the pursuit because we short circuit it, but those that are allowed a chance those are the ones that get to learn in detail our thoughts, our hopes, our fears. the beauty about being a woman is that once a man is attentive enough to you, we can't help but feel a loving closeness to him.

A man chases,let him chase u endlessly into complete bliss. he needs it for his excited nature knows no different. give him a chance to court you, to find different ways to please you. don't let anyone tell you different, a woman needs to be adored, needs for her wounds to be tetended to. She needs to be loved held appreciated respectd because she gives all of these everyday. She deserves to endlessly be treated like royalty...for she is from an endless line of royals.

dreaming

Sometimes I dream with my eyes wide open. I dream of a place where my hand, my smile my laughter is appreciated. I dream of a place where people walking on the same dirt ground as me see me as see them. dream of faces of children playing in the sun their bliss rooting on absolute ignorance filling the air. I dream of disease being buried under water where no man can ever reach, no spirit can access I simply dream of a world where all our worries are contained in tiny clear jars and thrown into limbo. then I dream of men and women know, their hapiness shines in their faces and when they kiss sunlight rises from between their content faces into a world that could always use a little more light
Sometimes though, I simply dream about now, in this world where cold is real and so is hot, where man n spirit work together to bring chaos I sit my eye to the sky wondering, what could do for the faces I've come to fear that appear before me in the street. faces that know the confines of a prison, faces that know the hand of the abuser and faces that know many nights spent with nothing to eat. I open my mouth but words caanot come out, because I have been conditioned to comfort of myself and my immediate family and associates, peace of my own heart and those whose faces will see constantly and hapiness of those who have my number, my email and my facebook page.
Am I living in a world where a dream is only a dream unless you sign your soul off? am I living in a world where to dream, I need money for a peace of mind. is it so hard for us today to simply strive on faith, on hope on sharing? as I sit here dreaming of a better world, hope someone else is out there making it better..just long enough for me to catch up..I still dream.

when angels go...

I'm still numb with shock, it is a fact angels need to be with us as long as we live. We cant ever imagine living without them. Sometimes we go through the worst of nightmares and we continue to wonder even when the shivers are all gone that perhaps somewhere in the midst of our tragedies there was something we needed to have noticed. Have you noticed though, that thats when we begin to torture ourselves. trying to find answers to questions we ask the ceilings of our houses and the shower heads that tower over our heads in the morning. Today in front of this screen i'm yelling at the demons that circle me because i can't afford to keep numb quite speechless while my friends agonise over this. I'm stunned at the lack of wording that is certainly running my life now. I drop my gaze my heart sinks and a rush of goosebumps pimple my hairy skin thinking imagining of what it must feel like to lose an angel.

When angels go it feels like there is no hope to cling to. There is an emptiness they leave in our hearts, our lives and our very being. It feels empty and with little meaning right now to say that an angel goes to a better place when they part with you. But we continue to say it because of the lack of wording that befalls us when we least expect. He this beautiful angel that has left us will always be a part of our lives. We remember his smile because it captivated our hearts, his essence energy and pure amazing heart stays with us. it will always be what we remember.

However truth be told speechless as i might be i wish from the bottom of my heart that all broken hearts be mended by the new angels that will come to accompany us. give them a chance to bloom as angels in their own right and give them the possible support. When the next angel enters our lives, lets all smile and open up our hearts to them. may your soul rest in peace Pots!

in Retrospect

Ever noticed how beautiful things are in retrospect? how incredible we were? how much money we had? how good we had it in general? Well of course its enticing but the fun the beauty of life is understanding that at the present moment if things are bad they could be worse and if they are good then really we just have it good and leave it at that. i love the smell of fresh flowers, its an absolute cliche but then again there is a string of cliche that i could lay down for you and i'm sure i would very seriously stun you at how much f a cliche you (and I ) are. perhaps if i'm to bring you home i'd say i also love the smell of fried chicken, or (and more importantly) i love the sweet smell that only a baby can produce. I think, (by now) that it is what innocence smells like. that beautiful scent that pulls you in and (for some reason) u are so in love with that small thing u hold in your hands that you couldn't imagine hurting (or losing) them.
they appeal to a small bit of us because we have felt that affection in people who held us, and sometimes i wonder, how many of us realise how much we dwell in the past? i enjoy as much as the next person to reminice and really dream about how beautiful things were back in the day, but sometimes i think about now, whhat i've achieved, what i enjoy now are the moments that i continue to cherish even as they happen. i manage somehow to love right now, the smile i wish would last forever the kiss that increasingly intoxicating touch, kiss..(well you know what i mean). So why then do i still sometimes, steal away and continue to dream about things gone away instead of love today for what it is, today! with all its problems and sunshines and beautiful landscapes... why do i still look back and want to savour the past?
a lady told me once that retrospect or hind-sight is like stale food, while it might somehow taste good (i admit dont make a lot of sense but bear with me) it cannot be good for the body. (hope u get it)

back @ 1

i probably should be a little more positive. seeing as i have all these things to look forward. well not a lot of things but you know? it cant be the most awful thing to be can it? my stomach is in knots my head feels hot.. not in a metaphoric kind of "hot" just hot as in the temperature is pretty high. So yes sometimes when shoes hurt and the pants wont fit and all i really want is a genuine smile saying, "well i still care for you same as i did when all those things fit." no scratch that, i"need" that smile its kind of like a lifeline. Anyway i should say why this is suddenly saying all this i mean, i do sometimes go on and on about the really cool things i have in my life..(well not "really" cool) just the acceptably cool things i have (or associate with) ok! before i lose you entirely, i feel like all too many times i'm the one who has to start over, and not in that exciting (i've so waited for this moment) kind of way. Its more like i fail again and it really sucks!
so yes i'm here now punching so much of my emotion into the computer hoping the release gives atleast room to breath because lord knows i need to breath. Literally like exhale, feel like i'm alive again. Its a painful sight to see a young lady (i need the flattery) sitting in front of the computer focused entirely on the screen listening (absently) to old hardcore love songs. it could mean anything really, but to explain why it is "painful" is simply (or not that simply) that there is only so much she could be doing. Surfing the net solely to find a knight in shining amour (yes i said it!) or trying so hard to connect back with the people i always said i wouldn't. Tough revelation, (but true nonetheless) but i say it knowing full well what it will do my reputation. The protester in me wants to claim that all i do when i go online is talk to "good" friends and not fish for any information, as in it just flies and rests on my lap... no prying. i'm only human and sometimes i'm a little too desperate to show that i actually am not just a mere human (what a waste). when it comes to it, thats all we are. And we (I) need the company the (constant) attention and the absolute immense need to hold my hand in public. Not obsessive, (Well kind of) before you go and tell me be careful what you wish for, let me explain. Ever seen those nauseating couples that us (other) people cannot stand? I love them! yes i absolutely do.
So there! right now, i hate that i'm back at one. Looking again in an incredibly small pool and i can barely swim its frustrating to even think i now have to learn and go swimming in the deep end. back at freakin' one!

20years

I dream about writing a book, it will be something about love i think, nothing self-"helpy" i cant claim to know anything really so it will be about my experience. Something about not seeming desperate to the opposite sex. Yes some kind of guide of how i stopped looking desperate (yes there has been times when i felt my desperacy choking people) it would be simple and to the point, it would help women understand atleast several types of guys and then help them figure out to deal. And then maybe i could right about first loves (provided i can find someone worthy of being called that) how amazing it feels, the illusions etc. But what i believe is probably the biggest wish right now, is to right an experience book,
"In this 20years". This is probably every little girl's dream...or in my case young lady's dream. I think if i could right a novel about a strong relationship running for 20years i would have achieved more than i ever dreamt. Yes the illusions of the one and all the things that feminists say about men. But wouldn't one just love to find him. Not the perfect man or magic man but a man that fits in with me. There is teasing and laughing and just plain loving. i want that 20years. People tell me to concentrate on the now, and yes i would if there was anything to concentrate on (love wise) but i have learnt so much, (i did a self-acceptance course for crying out loud) and continue to learn things that make me (i think) a much better person than i ever thought i would be. This (fantasy) book would reveal how we met, why we clicked and perhaps how to spot the right man (for you) it would be inspiration.
To teach women is something that everyone tries to do, to control our minds and tell how to behave around opposite sex. What about how to enable him to feel comfortable around you with all these books in our shelves basically telling me to trick him and to hurt him and to turn him into my property.? No this book would be about the smile you share with him, the meals, the routines that don't even feel like routines because the two of you are comfortable in them, 20years would be like sharing a fussy feeling with every person that reads it. Without asking her to change and be me, but to allow someone who fits to find her. Thats what i want to see happen. 20years, can you imagine understanding that everyone has a different fussy feeling to share and there is nothing wrong with bringing home the bacon or letting him bring home the bacon. When capitalists still exist but somehow manage to stay out of our love.
Now what might not be clear here is that, its not a dream because i want to boast or to show someone up. The dream here is that there is nothing i want more than to find love and be able to keep it. Not lock it down.But have a love that is exactly that "love" in this 20years...

last resort

Do we give up on ourselves? Is that our reason for quitting, accepting defeat and going against our wishes whatever they might be? I believe in losing the things that do not help you grow, the things that do not make you happy and most importantly people that have no positive impact in your life. The trick with this simple solution is that you never really know the bad branches in your tree. It is therefore very important to know exactly what you are removing from your life. Are you removing friends who talk about other friends (and probably you) behind their backs? Are you removing a boyfriend that is not supportive of you and your aspirations? Are you removing and parent that never sees the wonderful achievements you get to but rather the silly mistakes that creep up on you? Are you very simply removing a job that does not fulfill or challenge you? Because sometimes its painful to admt even to yourself that your choice of friends has not been good, that however much you adore him that boyfriend is nothing but a pest that will never allow you to grow. Yes if sucks and yes it is painful, but would you not rather do it now rather than years down the line when the damage is now extensive?
The last resot sometimes is for people who have been through much too much heartache and pain as for the rest of us, we inch to get to the last resort we feel as though people will feel betrayed and as though they were sneaked up to, we fail to understand that to have a wonderful relationship  is to understand that people loving as they are smiley as they are they have flaws, to see those, understand them and stratergise around them. Lets allow ourselves to love the people that surround us by understanding them... otherwise do what i do when in doubt... cut communication its the last resort but effective as hell :D

Root and route

So now that i've uprooted my whole life its only natural that since i haven't really understood what my next move is. i think of a thousand things all at once but truly my route has not been established as yet. i must say, there are things in life that i embrace, like family, peace of mind and perhaps more importantly the love of family. i always think there are things in life one must be careful not to mistake a root for a route, lust for love, enjoyment and happiness. these are so closely related... one to the other respectively but obviously... close inspection shows they are anything but the same.
So what could i say about my roots? do i have any roots? my roots are the very basics of my life, the reason i speak the way i speak, i smile when i do, i talk the way i do. these are the reasons i relate with certain people and not really with other people. the roots i speak of are the humble beginnings of my family, the mannerisms of the people who raised me and with whom i was raised. the way i was called off the street, taught to say please and thank most importantly taught never to ask for or expect food from anywhere but home. these are the cores of my family... and frankly there could not be a me thats me had i not taken heed of my roots.
But my route is the way i have chosen to live my life with new values to add on or merge the old ones. its the way i do the things i was never taught, improvising and continuing to find a balance between the things i enjoy and the things i know i would not be embarassed to discuss with my family... my route is how i can have a glass of wine without taking the whole bottle under my arm, or flirt without being indecent and yell without being vulgar. My route and my roots are linked how are yours?

Birthday Wish

My first thought was that, "What would be the perfect gift?" Would it be flowers? Or jewelery? Or dinner? well it could be anything couldnt it? But what i hadn't considered was that perhaps the best gift wouldn't be so much the material or the person who delivers it. It was mostly just the way someone makes me feel. That grin that flashes that is beyond your control, the twinkle that you can't explain in your eye.I have to say the best of gifts is one that is forever cherished and yet somewhat more sentimental than the one you thought would certainly make your world brighter.

Today my wish was to be relaxed and happy in my own skin. It meant more to me to find a moment on the day where i can smile, and when i scream and hoped it would be because nothing else in the world mattered. i hoped i would have a chance to sit on my balcony and admire the view of the footballpitch littered with children playing soccer. i imagine it would be soothing to hear the soosh of the river as it ran between the blocks of my condominium. 

I wished i would have no worries today, that whenever i reached out someone would be just there to help me, i wished that when i hint to someone my absolute need for a certain gadget that it would miraculously appear before me. But its not really what i wanted to live with, though i wish today perfect, i also wished that i would be blessed, protected and most of all provided for. These wishes were fulfilled. i was protected throughout the day i was blessed with friends that know exactly what to say and i was provided for, meals, clean water, other refreshments. 

I'm amazed at all the things i thought i wanted. that i pretty much begged for. i asked for things i thought i needed to wish for not things i truly desired. i spent the night with a chain of short prayers aimed at fixing my current seemingly insignificant issues. things that might have no bearing in what happens to me in the future. so now i ask you...if you had a birthday wish, what would be your criteria to choose... and what do you think your birthday wish would be?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 

tears

I might have to mention that sometimes there is more to a relationship than meets the eye. there is more than what other people can see and notice and approve. there is possibly more than what parties in the mentioned relationship can fathom. it is not so much there is a world that is left undiscovered by limiting ourselves to the norm. it is also, and mostly, that we are afraid to embrace what we might eventually hold dear. or perhaps it is simply intuition telling us that no matter how much of this we might want, we could never truly be happy in it. sometimes in a relationship, it helps to know where the other person is, because what do we profit from hoping for an understanding when we have no communication to back it up?
imagine the affection that we more often than not place on people whose intentions have no sincerity towards us? is it not better to know certainly what you and your partner want from a partnership rather than to find out whatever it is does not match our own? are we therefore saying that we should not premeditate what a relationship should be even though it might potentially cause us tears? imagine walking into a room and the first eyes you meet capture you. imagine when your very first thought is that you would love this person forever even before your first conversation. isnt that what everyone wants? to just know? isnt it more romantic? but what about if one question disillusioned you? wouldn't it be better to know certainly whether your intentions meet? or would you rather live in bliss only to reap our your own heart when the other's intentions don't match your own?
while some tears are unavoidable, some tears are not only unworthy but they make us feel weak. they tend to make us feel as though we are entitled to heartbreak upon heartbreak. but truly who made that rule? why should we cry just because we eventually want to be happy? why is it so important that we accept disappointment and heartbreak and make it seem as though we wouldn't be human if we didnt cry? the next time you think of a free fall, it wouldn't hurt to think about the consequences as long as you're willing to fall bumps and bruises before hand shouldn't kill you. take time ask a question let your gut lead you and the next tear that falls make it a tear of joy and fulfillment. you owe it to yourself. there is no wrong in tears but what tears do you choose?

hard to say goodbye

If i should one day find a reason to say goodbye to myself, i'll have no reason at all to live. My enemy is simply my greatest asset. My being naive and being kind and ready to believe are the things that make me who i am, so again i say; if i have to say goodbye what reason have I to still call myself me. In a time where we give off our being to people who barely recognise our need to be ourselves, i find my mind wandering because deep inside i know that surely i'm not as cold and unfeeling as i have to make people believe. It is a protective cover for me but what about the people who deserve to know me how will they know who i am if i can't put myself out there?
It is not a weakness to be loving and to believe in romance and all the things that come with it. it is not silly to believe in love, to interpret a gesture in a way that makes you smile. What about the people who chip away at your heart everytime you show them a genuine piece of you? how does one protect themselves from them?
I want to believe that at one point in my knowing you, however tragic it ended, that you had once smiled at me with honesty and feeling. I hope that once you kissed me with all the honesty of an innocent child. that when you kissed away my pain you believed in love. and that it was all worth it for you when one day i smiled back at you with true happiness.
how then can i deny myself to re-live, to hope for more of those moments with you, with anyone else in the world. how do you rationally want me to give up my hope for another smile, to get over a kiss so tender so true, to not trust in a genuine heart, to pretend that love is less than existent. How do you expect me to say goodbye to the thing that makes me ME? Something that even i have no idea how to stop. I have to say,its hard to say goodbye to all my moments of pleasure, true unadulterated feelings that i don't reach out for because they are ready to come forth. i'll lean on my faith and i'll keep being the girl that never lost herself because its true, no matter who you where you are, what circumstances you find yourself amidst one will always find it hard to say goodbye to oneself. so this christmas, hope you remember its hard to say goodbye.

Memories

Do we torture ourselves with memories? Shouldn't we be able to let go of things that passed without tears? As i walked through the mall the other day i couldn't help but remember conversation after conversation i'd had with a lost love. The experience was in such a way music played as i walked around the spots we frequented. Of course the music was not background to my memories rather mall music but at the moment felt like soundtrack to this sad moment. It has become socially accepted to weep at the spots that once made you happy. What is it that we are following what is this pit are we falling into? I imagine there has been things more sad in the world than breaking up a budding love, why then has it become so hard for me to go to my favourite book shop and not keep expecting him to look over the shelf the way he did a few months ago? Why then have i been accustomed to shedding tears when a memory good as it might be visits? why have i allowed memories to haunt me and alter my life as i know it?

As i walked into a nearby Borders i felt the his presence, his smell i could swear his touch was not far off. I didn't particularly summon the memories they attacked and hit so hard i had to sit and think. I smiled and started laughing felt tender air brush against my skin and caress me i'm hopelessly at the mercy of these thoughts that follow me imprison me and hack at me until with my face in my hands i sob. Then suddenly the air seemed to disappear as though being sucked out from out of me and the sobs choked me as i desperately fought to breath. The memory takes me the same way everytime i walk into the shop and i keep wondering, why can't i remember my smile that day the butterflies and she soft blush of seeing a face i'd come to care for? why have i not been accustomed to dwelling in the happy memories as happy rather than twist them into sad limbo? when will i free myself of this memory or rather just claim it as one of my happy moments?

Why have i allowed myself to be enslaved by sadness? is it how society has moulded me? is it truly human nature? is it because i don't know any better? I hum a song, and tears come flooding down my cheeks my ears sting and a lump takes residence in my throat. Why am i allowing my mind to think of all things lost when all things gained are greater? why am i troubled when peace should be my constant companion now?why do things seem to fall apart when they should be stacking up as i build new soft memories that are just me, enjoying life and taking in the caress of the wind, kiss of the sun and the soft slaps and tease of the rain? i'll take my memories now and put them where they won't haunt me, take them out whenever i please and fold them back when i don't need them anymore. Memories... sad or happy i still own them they don't own me.

happiness

Is it truly so difficult to find happiness? Can we truly say i have looked for happiness and i still have not found it? What is the happiness that we are looking for that is truly so impossible to find? Can one truly be happy with what they have? Is it not human nature to want more out of life? To want to give as little as possible but still receive more? Is it not a man's idea of perfection when his partner is submissive? And equally is it not a woman's idea of happiness when gets what she wants out of her man? How long though do the "perfect" set-ups hold up? is it a year or two or five? a few children maybe? a few holidays and mortgage payments? And so i ask again, what is genuine happiness and where or how might someone find it?

Young and understanding of the world is always met with a laugh, and perhaps rightly so. One never hears of a wise young nephew but rather a wise great-aunt or such. It fits that is why it is believable. As far as we have come do we not think it is either we work as though the olden days never went away? Although a world of land mines await us should we try to go back, there is always hope in tomorrow because goodness knows when the sunshines hope is born. My understanding of happiness might seem childish or naive but when did naive become a sin? i believe true happiness is found in the simple moments. Comfort, trust, appreciation, a smile, a cuddle, a kiss, respect and adoration. These are the things that give us a chance to genuinely be happy. One might say what's new here? To that i say, we forget as we go along what is truly important. We forget to say goodnight with a kiss, we forget to hold each other when there is nothing in it for us. We forget to appreciate our partners when they shield us from the rain.

Is it so hard to respect a woman for her absolute naive trust in you? is it oh so hard to smile at a man who has adored you forever? Can we not re-visit our first moments better yet, can we not make new kinder moments for the future? Are we so trapped in yester-years that we have no clue as how to live now? Can i a woman seeking happiness ask someone else in the world to hand it to me? Or is it easier and much more appealing to stand up look for happiness that i might later share with someone else? Even then could they appreciate the smile that curls my lips in the morning, the twinkle in my eye that lets them know i'm happy and content in who i am? Could another person be a source of our happiness or have we got it all wrong?

daybreak

It creeps up on you when you least expect, the easy morning with the breeze, blue skies and sunshine. Its the kind that feels good before it starts and you just know it can only get better. its the morning when the first call wants to confirm you for a deal you've hoped for, the text is from a loved one checking in. It feels like all your troubles are far behind and all you ever feel is endless relief. The dew on the flowers kisses your feet as though you're queen, the birds sing tunes that seem familiar and jubilant, all in all this is YOUR day. Its the kind a lover can't bring the kind money could never buy, the sort looks fall short. Its the kind of day that is brought forth by nature.

Opening your eyes to golden strips of sunshine dancing to the tune of breeze through the partially drawn curtains. I close my eyes again because this feeling should last as long as i'm in bed. i open then and i feel a warmth that makes my stomach dance in delight, excite my heart and curls my lips into a smile that i can't explain nor comprehend. Its a piece on the slice of happiness and i'll be sure to savour every last bite. The stillness of the room feels like peace in the world and my heart beats quietly. i fluff my pillow and fall back into sleep then i hear it again, that tune sung by a lonely bird on my window sill. I watch it, barely bothered by its oblivion of me. My lips curl again, so its here!

The hum of the airconditioner disappears from my head, the wind kisses the leaves and they sing a tune too. She is beautiful isn't she? Nature? She is delightful isn't she? Flowers? she is protective isn't she? Everything about her screams mother so we say Mother Nature. No one provides more, keeps more, kisses more, loves more. But right this moment the stillness is what i'm looking for, what i'm enjoying so she quietens her strides so that no thunder might wake me, she cools the air so that heat might not get to me and she smiles, the streaks of sun caressing me.

With so much misery, war, disease, deceit, abuse and addictions there is a moment at the crack of dawn when everyone feels the glorious serenity of earth. the kiss of life that is lavished upon everyone of us. does it last a minute? or an hour? does it matter? before chaos opens us to day all too stressful, why don't we take a moment to enjoy the peace just before morning begins? nature is its sweetest at daybreak feel the touch of God

woman

the task is not always easy the responsibility a woman feels to virtually everything even everyone to never disappoint to fit into someone else's life to create a better life, home, meal. it is so amazing how this comes so naturally to the better of us. to make it feel better to feel the pain of a person that has no blood or other relations to you. the instinct grows with age and brings upon a woman such an overwhelming feeling of empathy to those in difficult situations, pride to those who find themselves victorious and adoration and love to anyone who even shows a hint of the same to them. like the tiny dog you find at your door step weepy and perhaps even hurt bring it in give it something to drink to eat and wash it, give it company and make it your own. like the way when a baby cries in the next room instead of absolute anger a woman feels her heart fill with pain at the idea of hunger or pain or discomfort a crying baby might be feeling all these feelings well up and make her somehow, stronger.

the way she looks at baby clothes in a shop and want one, not because needs to be populated but because for some reason a woman wants always one more person to take care of. she sees her achievements in so many different areas in life, her daughter's poise and intelligence she credits this to her touch,care late nights back pains and even labour pains she is proud because she laboured for her now successful daughter to be what she is. she is amazed that when she loved her son she left him for someone else to bear the beauty of him growing into a boy then a man perhaps even a father. she tried to forget him but she knows even far away as she might be, he is still a part of her. she parts with a part of her because she would like to think that it would be better of she hopes her own sufferings will stay with her and keep away from her child. her choice might seem wrong and selfish but a woman never thinks solely of herself not even when things to on-lookers seem so clear her underlying thoughts and visions and considerations are about other people.

but when she loves a man, a woman finds no fault in him, makes him a baby and a lover all at once, she kisses his face while she sleeps she adores the lines on his face and makes them a map of their history together she loves him more as they grow and always wants him about. she loves the way he brings flowers on her birthday, the same bouquet over and over again but she appreciates that he didn't forget. she is amazed at his strength when he picks her up and gives her a soft kiss, his poise when there is an accident and he saves lives screws on his head and puts away emotions. he is her gentle rock, her refuge and basically where she lies and is comforted by the familiar smell of him, his familiarity is her own home. a woman take a moment to love her she will love you right back you'll see.

hush

hush my heart love will find you, your thirst will be quenched and you will feel right again you're whole unbroken and yet there seems to be something you lack. is it the assurance that things will be right with the world again? or are you yearning for a love you have never seen. how then will you know when you find it? the heart longs for the simplicity in things never found simple and yet my mind understands the yearning and longs for the same comfort. while i smile i remember the tug in my belly that reminds that perhaps someone would have liked this same thing i'm admiring. a beautiful sunset over the water, it calls on me to find a soul to explain the unexplainable to cover another with the love that spreads in my heart and my life.

the stillness makes my heart happy for my heart can examine a soul close enough and the right soul perhaps and yet to this moment as i sit here cannot find the match. either its too worldly or too dreamy or too enthusiastic and yet all of them combined could have built this elusive soul. the heart yearns and needs it with every failure the need grows, the fierceness of the soul to find the truth in all lies of the world the kiss of love when it seems all are about betrayal the heart stands to prove it... love is not elusive not when it is the real deal. how odd that a heart so used to its ways can make so much sense?can give the mind a run for its money?

i stand with an open heart because in the stillness all i'm asking for is a moment in the "hush" where all is lain before me, for my own piece of mind and for the hope that one day i will sit on this very chair thanking yet again my lucky stars that yes! my match, my true love is just here on my left hand side close enough to my heart to communicate and yet protect the side of me that has lazed over the years...the match will be there in my deep thoughts, in my happy moments, my moments of despair i could never ask for more for who would when in the quietest of places i say "hush" good old heart you're home now.

inadequate

sometimes they make you feel as though "just" you isn't enough, that a little bit more is needed to be worth it. they want you to change so that you fit into their lifestyle, they can show you off to their friends who will then turn green with envy. they are not satisfied with a nod of approval or a comment to note how fun and smart you are. they want to know their friends would do much more, would want much more and will most likely ask about you long after you had gone. are our inadequacies and insecurities fueled by the people who are meant to love us no matter how strange we might look to others?

is it so easy to feel inadequate because even for the best of us, sometimes our own thoughts aren't enough to keep us above water?truly is it us that need to change our attitudes and learn to care a little less what they think, or what their friends think, hope and insist on?truly every time the friends are there, there comes a moment when our partners. our friends, our colleagues aren't so sure about us anymore. our inadequacies root from what someone else (mostly those who don't even know you) condemns you and ensures those who were supposed to know you better haven't the confidence to defend you for fear of being shunned for being yet another inadequacy. we then continue to thrive on approval by people we don't know and sometimes don't care to learn about. to please people who are not watching while in the process our hearts break and our egos? well further bruised.

its in the unexpected sigh one gets when the line stops ringing and the voice on the other end is not excited to hear you call, it is in the faded smile of a lover, the loss of interest of a friend and the indifference of a child who used to look up to you. inadequacy hurts us, it breaks our spirits and gives us more to worry about not because is it "really" important but because once it gets you, feeling inadequate can crush you and leave no evidence you ever was. how can one protect themself from irrational feelings of being undersized and unfulfilled and less than good enough?this is why all the while you draw a line not to go over the top and start thinking you might be better than someone?

in a moment

when ideas come streaming when thoughts build up when time stops and life happens, its never over time its in a moment when you decide to take chance, to make a change and to follow your insticts. it is about knowing who you are, or how you perceive yourself. it is a moment of clarity where reason has vanished and all you can do is be you. it is a moment in time where giving is everything, not to the world, not to your friend but to yourself. it all happens in a moment where you are by yourlself learning to make yourself smile. it is not about selfishness but more about self fullfilment and self dicovery.

i made a moment in time where everything else mattered not and took a chance in life, stopped talking and made a decision not to reason but to leap and make things happen for me, for a story i will tell good or bad right or wrong, this moment was mine i will own it until death, because really it is just me that ran and fell stood up and made it happen. what a feel. what an exhilerating feeling? knowing you let the moment happen taking responsibility for the freedom of your soul, isn't that just a feeling of the world? a feeling where every step you took brought you to this moment? the moment where one can only wondr why moments like these don't happen more, a moment in time a significant few minutes, seconds, hours days.

it is sometimes surreal, but the moment you reach out to feel the presence of dreams and they are not there, then you know how much of this moment can elevate you. given time to appreciate that this is your moment, to indulge in the moment and make it bigger and even more, if possible, more surreal. this isn't to ask for moments that make us feel like heroes, but moments that give us hope yet humble us, our opinions, our view of life and our very presence. in one moment life can happen and you can either capture it or let it pass...what will your moment be?

when its over

you can't predict the end, not when the course of it is so smooth, you can't possibly avoid it not when u'r not aware, you can't make it better not when you're caught off guard. sometimes life hands you lemon after lemon and all you do is hope you lemonade skill gets better with time. with each heartbreak that for some reason i brought all to myself, i'v learnt that it is a lot harder when you had hoped more, and fantasized m0re and practically dreamt more, unlike if it hadn't been dreamy, had it been rational there could have been some control one can exercise. in a moment when things were perfect what makes one want to kick up dust and make noise? is it the way in which we've been weaved? or is it just one person's handicap? while some people spend their whole lives looking for the one, some find them and lose and find and lose until there really is no point in trying anymore.

its not always bad that its over, but sometimes the fact is no one could take the place of anyone else you've lost, they can't speak like them, they can't smile like them, they certainly can't love you like them. when one has been introduced to that kind of love, who has the right to take it all back? when you have let them love you, why do you want to hold back? don't all people make mistakes? if ever you said the wrong thing isn't the idea to see the good in people rather the bad? especially if one has professed love night and day. what drastically changes overnight?or is it gradual? what takes the place of the love you feel when a mistake is made, an error in speech? isn't the whole point of getting to know someone supposed to include the things they do wrong?

when its over the least of your worries is who gets the t.v, who gets the apartment, who hurts more. it is then that you realise you're bare to the world and have no clothing on, when you have to sleep in a wet pillow because really what transpired took you by suprise. you still don't know how to move on, you still miss the dreams you shared, the chuckles the kisses, the smell. it is then that you decide to either crawl back and beg for forgiveness or you pick up the pieces and move on. knowing you next step is vital almost as important as knowing your partner, her psychy his idea of weakness, her strong points, his way of thinking.

this is only if you feel its worth the thought, the work, the absolute mess of things, if you think its worth it, when its over, go back and start anew, dream new dreams and laugh at new jokes, when its over there is choice "to be or not to be" thats when its over...

my heart my mistake

the things that scare us are the things that are most likely to make us happy, when u leap you feel like it is worth it because u might just find a better life on the other side. it is like giving in to the unknown just so you find yourself happier or even more fulfilled, its almost like a mind game (i dare you to...) where one is blind-folded and trusting the guide to give the right and accurate directions. however we can never really know truly what is good for us until we have experienced it. sometimes it is easy to turn away from things because one can see the potential doom that faces them as consequence of these decisions. what about the less that gory ones?how do we protect ourselves from those?

fact is we all have to credit ourselves with mistakes before we can lead a mature untroubled life, we have to know not get burnt again because the first time around sucked, that no more playing with hammers and nails because the pain is nasty. time and again people ask when the time will be that the risk is worth it, truth is, even though some risks are more visible than others and advice can easily be dished out. sometimes it is better for us to make our decisions and suffer, if we have to, our decisions' consequences. it gives us a chance to retrace our steps know where we went wrong and know better when the time comes. and the time does come, when u have to prove to yourself that the other mistake was not in vain, to show that you have grown from that experience to show that you have matured from the heartbreak you suffered.

its been my experience that the one mistake we make is lust after the approval of people we idolise, when do we own our decisions?when do we get to protect our own heart when do we get to make our own mistakes? not for the second time or the third but for the first time? when do we make our very own master-piece of a mistake, one we get to look back on and say "had i not done that, where would i be?"

just us two

and as i had predicted he is standing there... his face lights up as he sees me. i'm amazed at the way his smile melts the clots of pain i buried with my broken heart. the most amazing thing i've found, about falling and staying in love is the feeling that is barely understandable much less explicable. it is that feeling that allows the two people to hold on to each other as though clinging to life itself, the kiss that is so needy and desperate that the words can't quite express and the dance of the stomach whenever the thought and even the presence of the other is registered.

finding a partner that gets you cannot be easy cannot be simple and cannot be careless, it is a process that works itself out no matter how desperate one is to d.i.y the manner by which love manifests in people's lives, romantic love, is different from couple to couple. the end result, the feelings are explained in different ways too. how about me? mine is the feeling at the pit of my stomach, that let's me know he is looking at me, he is thinking about me and he is longing for me. how do i know?because whenever i look up take a moment away from my work and glance over at him, there he is with his sky blues warmly looking at me as though i was the star he'd promised to follow as if he made a vow to make me insanely into him.

with every moment that passes i try to relive the conversation we had when he said "i love you" and with each stroke of that moment my knees crumble and my heart sinks when my whole body trembles, he is my sole focus and concern and while i might wonder in the night and go through thoughts that are forbidden to say the very least...he gets me and i him. whats left is for us to keep the promise, be "us" and only that never know what was but rather what will be.

the two of us function like a unit, like we were made for each other from each other like the very minute i was born he was assigned to me, could one be so lucky to have such a fitting in a partner?its just us two our love in our hearts and no logic in out minds just two people making their way through a maze of impossibility pain and war... us two me and you i couldn't have it any other way. i love that its just us two.

Family Ties

Isn't it simply sensational when you grow up the amount of family ties u seem to cut? i mean i find myself having to pick and choose whom i talk to on the regular and whom i decide was never really a friend. Perhaps what anyone should remember no matter how old they get is that the whole point there is a saying blood is thicker than water is precisely because you cannot separate blood. Its like mixing sugar in a bag with sugar in a plastic container, you cannot later should you decide, separate it.
however, coming from a family of by, now tens and tens of cousins from my maternal and paternal side i'm bound to neglect atleast a few people. how then do you break it to a person that you have had too many children i can't help with your rent, you have been to careless i can't foot your medical bill or you are too much of a brat i can't hire you in my upscale restaurant? i mean i can't imagine the pain that would ravage my inside should i be, whether with intent or not, feel belittled, ignored or given attitude by my own blood.
The politics of family ties have such a history it is ridiculous! at one point or the other you have to deal with them,(your cousin being a brat brought to your house for the holidays, plays all day and wets the bed, you can't be mean because it will go back to your aunt which will then turn into a falling out with your parent) and deal we do. it often seems so ridiculous to us, (referring to some Africans) that a person who once lived in a mansion is now homeless, as we see all this on American daytime telly we say "Don't these people have friends, or relatives,or parents?"
Writing this now i wonder if i can hold on to all my ties and how long. I wouldn't want to be without a place to live when my aunt or uncle have mansions,obviously, and i would'nt want my cousin to suffer the same fate!So as of now, i'm completely without ground as to how the Family Ties fade,are broken or cut off. so now i'll let nature run it's willing cause.
i'm clentching my teeth and hoping for the best!!

the Game of What if.

i am a master at it, i learnt it all by myself and my existence dwells in those moments of uncertainty and utter chaos, 'what if'' the question some people dread but i live for. what ever happened to understanding and clinging to the simplicity life can offer us. i'm never sure of why i want two things to play out against each other until the other has won. to stick it to the other and make my decision resound in my head and yet no matter how freshly cut, i as any other person wishing for more excitement that she can afford in her life, i manage to scrutinize my own decisions until i'm certain what i'v gone home with is not the right thing. why would anyone want a life like that?

i take thrills at dilemmas, i seek it out and put it before me for the fun of it. but i'll have you know the game of what if, is not an easy one if anything, it can be brutal, deadly even. between a kind soul and an exciting one, i would like a little of both but surely i cant get both, i of course do not want to choose, at this point, all i can say is the game of what if is not a joke. what is the point of having a kind person if they can not inject some life into your union, i must say it is like watching paint dry, entirely event less, what of the latter? well if someone is all about the adrenaline when do you get a chance to sit and examine things, talk and be still for whatever reason? what if you chose the family man over the exciting career guy you met at work? what if your ambitions are inhibited by the fact that your partner does not understand what you get up to? what if there is someone out there who does?

the game of "what if?" one of my personal favourites but it is not for the faint hearted and please do not try this at home. there are trained professionals for this one.

A new call from an Old friend.

if ever things are right, if ever life is full, if ever water is available and your children know three meals of the day. what then does it profit a woman to answer a call, ohh so likely to ruin her? does it matter really that 5 years ago you had a spark, isn't what is more relevant why things did not pan out? sometimes the romance of a lost potential "love" is a thought a memory that never happened just find a way to know which one you are looking at.

isn't it true that the most loves we cry over are the ones that failed because of our being young, naive and perhaps even sometimes our very own selfishness? these are the burdens we laden ourselves but what about the things we didn't do? what about the words we didn't say what about the words we wish we had never heard from this old friend?

does it not tell us, when things have gone sour that things had never been sweet? if he/she cheats, does it mean they will stop cheating eventually? 'an-old-friend' thats what we call them sometimes, the people whose hearts we broke, who broke our hearts and who for some reason stopped talking to us! why should i let them back in? to take the shuttered pieces and re-break them? really am i so damaged that even when all else seems fine i need to go round the block and take back the heartbreaker?

is this new call really new? or does the familiarity appeal to me and as time has passed delude me into thinking its a new call? old friends don't always have a place in our new life... take your time, sieve, weed and use a fine comb...who is an old friend, what is a new call, who is deceiving you? or is it truly, a brand new call from a real old friend?

hope

Who knows hope if not the person who lives in a dungeon?who knows hope if not an innocent man on death row, who knows hope if not a mother waiting for her child to get home, who in this world knows hope if not a child that has done his best in his examinations, indeed who knows hope if not you? after mentions of hope i must say there are things i think about that might possibly be the very definition of hope. i make time to find my way, to ensure that my life decisions lead somewhere i follow a code of education that was handed down to me by my own parents. there is no chance in my life that i could sit about and wait for life to happen, because in all honesty life is not about that neither is hope. my hopes and my dreams change as others are fulfilled and by far i have found so much to be in my favour that sometimes when i complain of things gone bad i feel about terrible of my complaints, truly what right do i have? there are people in world who have no idea what they will have for dinner and yet they hope, people in the world who have no idea when their army will declare a cease fire and yet every night, in their knees they go, and pray. how then am i, a woman with basic needs, who had a loving partner who has healthy children, who has good friends and power in house do i bring myself to be hopeless?
Hope has been a word i knew from childhood and yet i never understood how deep it ran, Martin Luther King Jr had hope. he had a dream and he like all great people followed on the example of someone perhaps not greater but an example that brings in hope. my personal hope is that one day i might raise my children in a world where their race is not skin colour, but its making it in a world that learns fast and teaches even faster, where their father's tongue is just as good as their mothers' where their hope is to be better than the generation before them and that they might sacrifice their wants to make it a better world for the generation after that.
i hope that they might recognise the dreams and hopes of leaders before them, i hope they will know with their hearts the struggles of Mahatma Gandhi and Dr King, understand that violence never fixed anything. these men decided to make their lives about everyone else' freedom they lived truly for the next generation and their hearts have been extended to us, because they have taught us better than what we always knew. in his 381day bus boycott Dr King adopted a non violent protest, it had been the most efficient his was an amazing example that hope for the next generation can be done through a simple act of love. Jesus himself taught without violence, in everything he did, he taught of brotherly love and loving an enermy. its amazing isnt it? that the world persecutes the hopeful and embraces the people who preach violence and death, we love to know that hope is for the silly,the dreamy, the easily forgotten.
find a place in your heart where hope resides, give it your best shot. find someone who gives you hope, find a soul that will give you a chance to dream, and mid dream find a soul that will remind you that dreaming and living the dream takes time takes commitment. do you have the right person by your side right now?is there hope in your life?

hidden

The greatest attack is found in secrecy and subtle gestures. Anger is the slowest of human emotion, it forgets and does not reason. Being a child i was taught i could not be angry that it was rude and disrespectful. I was also told I could only get angry in my own house, advice that i took rather seriously, that in my house i would have things my way or no way at all. The trick with that simple philosophy is that at the age of 22, i do not have a house of my own, not entirely i part own a house which makes my simple rule rather hard to implement. Here is where i have to learn the great value of compromise, consultancy and respect for privacy along with respect for boundaries. I must admit these are not my strongest points work is therefore required of me. A point that i need to put out there is that truly, anger is not an emotion to embrace and yes if talking to myself makes me feel calm and ready to smile then that is my greatest achievement.
Pain, for the longest time became my inspiration, it is something i can relate to. When does it become wrong to be on the negative just to have the best poem, song or any of the literary pieces? When you move around with negative energy, it follows you and everyone that is around. So you find that everyone around you tends to have the same difficulties in life as you do. Simple things, "Why cant i have a happy relationship?" And yet around that relationship, be it with a friend or an opposite sex whenever you criticize your relationship and allow it to be a point of disappointment you actually bring negative energy to it and eventually doom it to disfunctionality and failure.
the most powerful of hidden is a love unexplored, undiscovered, a love hindered or disregarded unaccepted. A love betrayed, abused and belittled a love so deep a being comes undone at the thought of this love unfulfilled. In the shadows I pray the situation is reversed, in the dark i cling to a small amount of hope that it will get better, in my solitude i cry myself to sleep and know i am surviving and i take it all in my stride. When is it time to admit its too much? It is not unfair if you have experienced it, it touched you and that feeling will not wither not even under an environment ever so unfavourable.
In a real world we know of hidden agendas, we see them in ourselves, in our governments in our leaders and in our partners. People fill posts for the money, some for the fame and some for the privileges. our gut can guide you, I believe it is your Godliness telling you when danger comes, when you should turn away and when you should step in. Hidden, is it not a word to give chills when heard?

Moments

At the risk of sounding completely delusional, I have to say real love does exist. In the deepest of thoughts and the strangest of places, it s in our old friends that we treasure and our family whom we hope will always be there for us. It s also in the people that hurt us and we know it. Imagine a woman, that has been loved genuinely and felt it every second after, a woman that can live on a memory and allow it to satisfy her. She allows it to tell her that she is fine, she does not need to touched nor does she need a voice to remind her, a woman with a faith so great it allows her to go to bed with the comfort of a memory of a man that could possibly be a fragment of her imagination. A walk down memory lane proved there is a time in my life i cannot remember, perhaps i do not want to remember but, it is a time where i had two conflicting emotions. firstly i was scared because of an event i had been warned would occur but made a choice to go ahead and see for myself and secondly I was happy because i had found a man so adoring i felt his presence in his calm sense and pure essence a man that could make a promise and stick with it. In essence i have experienced love and adoration in a man worthy of love. Imagine the disappointment i felt when i realised i had let him go and had reason why. I have pure memories of him back in a time when love had no note of a bedroom or a touch just a glance did it. A vivid one in his car behind my parent's yard, we spoke, laughed and blushed. He was there for me, i had not asked him he had decided on his free will how can I not love him, or his no character, or his memory? In a real world, in the world now, he has moved on met the love of his life it does not mean he is not the love of mine. Every moment with him has always been profound and exciting he has been the only one that i still care for with no side resentments because as it turns out he has never not once hurt me. His kiss, so gentle and amazingly exciting and contenting and the same time, lovingly covering me without pressure but security, the type of kiss that tingles in your belly no matter how many times you replay it.
The tone of his voice clears all doubts, he is my calm day, my clear blue sky, my still stream my friend and an angel that touched me. I remember you, I always will.

3 types of 1

i'm amazed at myself and my choices. i never learn no matter how much it hurt the last time. see with me it is always 3 flavours and i would "die" before i changed that seriously it would not be me if i did not go back, if i felt twice shy from the first bite i mean seriously what fun would it be? Now on my 15 i may just get what this could be about. i love my types and go over them over and over again to really get a chunk of that action in my teeth seriously someone should really slap me help me snap out of it because this isnt even cute it is just plain stupid. you with me? feel my pain here are my 3 types:

1. I like the liar in you because i cannot handle the truth you see i'm young and impressionable i know that is not your car that watch you wear is "rholex" and that cologne is your brother's sorry i meant you got it from Metrojaya testers all the same whatever comes out of your lips i twist and tumble because frankly you appeal to the child in me one that is so eager to please everyone but the very person inside. you walk with no care in the world... thats what bowlers do but nah nah see our shotcallers dont wait til i'm gone to negotiate with the guard to let us get into that club you claim to part own. Wimp get it right i wear it coz i afford it and yeah no one bought me that CK maintain this can you? who am i kidding? you're just a liar.

2. Baby my salary will be in tomorrow just today you can pay lunch. ahhhh wait till the girls get a load of this, you know there is nothing like that stop pretending hustler! Now you know my belly needs feeling you get it from that angle and say hey honey i'll be home late if you can make dinner please. full of crap you are coz you know i aint doin none of that now doncha? nah u probably dont coz u see thats my answer to the girls but to u its always honey yes! but you see the thing with you hustler is that you know a real woman when you see one, you know a wounded heart and thats your art if you didnt know it would surely mean you got no skill so there hustler i feel ya skill.

3. voicemail and offair you are when i need you most. see the thing that amazes me about you is your disappearing act. you disappear every 3rd day coz responsibility might just creep in what am i saying? you cant spell it you dont get and u my 3rd flavour mostly just suck because you know the depth of my pocket me miss independent you like coz i can support you along with your whores when you really put it out there, but non of this matters just love me i say but you insist on loving everything about my bank account like when its gleeming u'r glemming but after you suck it dry u hmmmm wats the word? you roll. its my call your call its no one's call but my bank account.

i'm not bitter coz i got played i'm just bitter coz i didnt know this was a game get you next time child good game this time around.

goodbye my year

Its been a big year, growth and fall downs, it has been a year of the biggest emotional flipouts and perhaps the best year as yet. It has truely been a year to reckon with, our generation has lived an interesting life. We lived to see the addition of cellphones as part of breathing, we lived to see a perfectly black man turn white, we lived to see having a baby outside wed lock a norm we have lived to see corruption creep into an excellent government now we know. We have lived this year particularly, to see a useless school planted everywhere in our country Botswana, we have lived just this year to see a mixed race man become president to a black country, this year only will we be marked as the country with an unwed president, only in 2008 we have seen suicides and horrific accidents occur right before our eyes, only in this year i turned 21 if thats not big then well i dont know what is. One of the biggest wows again will be the American elections that left the world with hope. When the presidential elect Barack Obama steps into the presidency but of course will not be sworn in all the wat until yours truely's birthday.

It has been a year of Asian horror we watched as Mymmar fell to pieces and China crumble down just moments before their big Olympic event. And of course Sudan continues to suffer as rebels continue to terrorise civilians,God be with us all.

Spiritually, it has been a challenging year, it has been a year of vast spiritual warfare and gorwth, it has been a year that has separated real from feign it has given us the ability to distinguish right from wrong light from darkness, but it has also been a year of great compromise of one's beliefs, morals, principles and life itself. Baptised in the Holy Spirit and fallen because of indulgence on the earthly pleasures, lonenliness is evil because it has come to allow us,Christians to justify our action because we cant help but feel an urgent need to serve our God the living Father and at the same time live according to the world. We indulge in relentless hating as it is known, we indulge in shopping for clothes that are inappropriate, we indulge in things that are not even needs but selfish wants.

Personally, mine has been a year of forgiveness and growth with obvious flaws and crush downs, it has been a year of learning and understanding, it has been a year of deceipt but it has also been a year where i have learnt the art of giving without boundaries but rather with feeling, personal and love. I have found friends that have been before me and found friends that are from the past not yet ready to fade away, it has been a year of great discoveries and freat scares about life and perhaps even scariest facts.

Economically it has been challenging,Socially quite a strive since i'm pretty much grown enough to understand what i want in life and out of my friends and the people whose company i keep.

Love has been overflowing.... friends,a special someone,a new nephew last but surely not least the love of God has been in abundance.

your eyes

I saw you last night and your bright brown eyes shone better than i ever seen them before i chose to look the other way i cant afford to fall back it wouldnt be intelligent. i made my way through the crowd but you were the only one i saw, i hid behind another set of eyes but you pierced right through them. I tried to make small talk meaningless conversation. I had forgotten about your close to devilish effect on my speech and my very sanity. you see since the day you left i never cried a tear, i never had to. I made it through the darkest hours with my head held high, i have to thank you though. you lesson taught me i deserve better only not better than you. you made me see the world with experience and hate not love and innocense again i fail to see how you hurt me because when you hit me i cried but i didnt bleed, when you cursed at me i hurt but i didnt react, when you left me alone in a dark house i slept and fantasised about the prince who would come to rescue me. My thoughts became my company when i needed you most. Windy nights found me alone and scared but i'm alive and stand before you today knowing you're proud of me that i didnt break that i didnt talk back and that i still love you. Not because I'll need you forever but because you will always remember me no matter how far apart we are you'll pray for me when my nights seem cold, you'll open the door when i need shelter, you'll kiss where it hurts for that i can never forsake you because through it all i value the lesson learnt and i thank my God for hope, perseverence,patience and love though it all. I wake up in the middle of the night to ensure that you dont run away your presence is sacred, i make food no matter how tired I am because you going hungry though the night is not an option.

This is all because you're my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my uncle, my friend, my child,my lover you're my everything i forgive you because had not not been for you i wouldnt be me.

A letter to U ( you dont know how to love me)

I'm wondering why i constantly come back to you, when all you ever do is hurt me. It is not about how many times you have made me cry but rather how you made me cry. I constantly ask you "is it really that hard to love me?" all you ever do is giggle and say "no" but why is it that you have possesd my sanity, that each time i cant reach that i feel like a part of me is being reaped apart?

You take my intelligence and you degrade it with you words. Crush it with your touch and deplete its meaning with your smile. You know exactly what i want to hear, you dont even try to mean it because wwhat is the point?

I say atleast i have my intergrity then you just go ahead and take even that away because you need to strip me down to the nothing you cant be with. I find myself calling your phone endlessly, with lady operator telling me the same thing. "the person you are calling is unavailable please try again later" If only she gave me how long "later" will be because everybody knows i made the mistake of trusting you and now i'm hooked! i cant lie, its beneath me to ask to be loved because i believe for whatever reason that i'm worth of just pure love as i give such a love, but once again could i ever be so wrong. I beg you to love me, i call you endlessly i beg for your mercy i ask what i have done wrong.

Of course all you can think of is telling every friend of yours about the silly girl who thinks you "can" love her gues again you say its not abut to happen. why is it that you dont know how to love yet you hold me so right? how is it that you cant tell me how you feel about me yet you smile at me so right? what is it that you do that is so magnetic and dangerously addictive that i dont know how to let you go. I know i will stop one day i just hope the day comes sooner than the pain, I bore as much as my loving heart aching head and defenceless body can take, because you my love, are simply, unarguably, openly and willingly the one that brings me pain and behold! i cry because i dont learn. If you dont love me now, you will never ever love me. Because i'm too much of a woman for you to comprehend. i dont normally ask questions i give you facts, i dont go to parties i sit and do my gardening perhaps me being all woman means a boy like you could never measure up because suprise suprise YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME! Yes it is a waste of my precious time. But i just had to tell you.

faithfully

Pearl