A letter to U ( you dont know how to love me)

I'm wondering why i constantly come back to you, when all you ever do is hurt me. It is not about how many times you have made me cry but rather how you made me cry. I constantly ask you "is it really that hard to love me?" all you ever do is giggle and say "no" but why is it that you have possesd my sanity, that each time i cant reach that i feel like a part of me is being reaped apart?

You take my intelligence and you degrade it with you words. Crush it with your touch and deplete its meaning with your smile. You know exactly what i want to hear, you dont even try to mean it because wwhat is the point?

I say atleast i have my intergrity then you just go ahead and take even that away because you need to strip me down to the nothing you cant be with. I find myself calling your phone endlessly, with lady operator telling me the same thing. "the person you are calling is unavailable please try again later" If only she gave me how long "later" will be because everybody knows i made the mistake of trusting you and now i'm hooked! i cant lie, its beneath me to ask to be loved because i believe for whatever reason that i'm worth of just pure love as i give such a love, but once again could i ever be so wrong. I beg you to love me, i call you endlessly i beg for your mercy i ask what i have done wrong.

Of course all you can think of is telling every friend of yours about the silly girl who thinks you "can" love her gues again you say its not abut to happen. why is it that you dont know how to love yet you hold me so right? how is it that you cant tell me how you feel about me yet you smile at me so right? what is it that you do that is so magnetic and dangerously addictive that i dont know how to let you go. I know i will stop one day i just hope the day comes sooner than the pain, I bore as much as my loving heart aching head and defenceless body can take, because you my love, are simply, unarguably, openly and willingly the one that brings me pain and behold! i cry because i dont learn. If you dont love me now, you will never ever love me. Because i'm too much of a woman for you to comprehend. i dont normally ask questions i give you facts, i dont go to parties i sit and do my gardening perhaps me being all woman means a boy like you could never measure up because suprise suprise YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME! Yes it is a waste of my precious time. But i just had to tell you.

faithfully

Pearl

make believe

I'm happy, i'm sad, i'm sick, i'm not i'm glad, i'm angry, i'm hungry,i'm full, i'm late, i'm engaged i'm insanely in love this is how it works! For some reason we find ourselves compelled to lie compelled to give a face compelled to feel the way people expect us to. Frankly, it is more comfortable but, it is still a lie becasue essentially that is not how we feel. How awkward though would it be, if you suddenly looked happy while you perhaps just lost a dear pet? People dictate your emotions because we're for some reason addicted to approval it is a way to fit in for us. On a first date people naturally expect butterflies in your stomach, if you do not for whatever reason mention it they will dig it out of you but, to fit in you will suggest that you do have butterflies. If a guy is super cute everyone will expect you to be glad you found him but thinking about it you reaslise that heeyyyy.... I dont like his conversation skill or no skill at all and so, because he is cute you need to endure time with him until the day he "dumps you" by then you would have lost,possibly, chances of being with someone you actually like and whose company you enjoy. That is when you realise underneath the layers and layers of smiles you are actually just bored and unhappy.

So, why do we make believe? I make believe because I love the feeling of all the other people being evnious of me, because I believe my real life is inadequate to be impressive. I believe people are drawn to variety, to uniqueness. When writers and scholars say we're all unique we never believe that because we know it is a way to get us feeling better about ourselves, but seriously what is so cool about "unique" if everyone is it? So out of the uniquness of our heads we make a larger than life super happy super unique being that is able to cover our mistakes and make us better than the rest of this "unique race". So yes inadequacy makes us feel as though we need to make believe because make believe makes us feel better about ourselves. Someone once said, " Well i'm big boned not obese." The response became, "Have you ever seen a big skeleton?" With make believe comes another weird one, denial. We weant to figure out a way to fit in with status quo but we do not want to work like all the other people. We need for people to approve of us, our relationshps and our way of leading our own lives, you constantly defend yourself about the things you get up to. Joyce Meyer came up with a name for it
"approval addiction" check it out from some bookstores like Borders. How does our need to make believe relate to being addicted to approval of people you possibly do not know, care about or even see on the regular? It is that you can not make believe unless you need approval or extreme attention and or recognition.

Now seriously, is it human nature to make believe? Perhaps not because it is wrong to lie from culture to culture religion to religion so it still remains why do we make believe? why is it so important for us to do it and how can I as an individual stop it or slow it down?

Same script

Same old feeling, different people, same old song, different lyrics, "I want you to want me" could it ever be so simple?The time of life you spent with your friends and family is the time you tend to cherish more.... the time with your "other bit" is when you scrutinise every look or phonecall or even a glance at the next girl because you want to tell "friends and family" when he started cheating. Esentially point i'm trying to drive home is that ; we more often than not forget to enjoy the time spent and spend it well, we fail to comprehend things that we perhaps even do not have the mind capacity to get. We cometimes look for every wrong thing in your partner, the way he looks at you , is it any different from the way he looks at your brother? Or your friends, Or your siblings?its actually strange because you want the other person to look at you great and see others as trash! then again "it makes ME happy". it is the simple things that kill or sometimes even make relationships. it is barely to understand someone's insecurities and work, somehow, around them. how many of us are so lucky as to know and understand or be understood by our better bits to a point of accepting everything about us?

some of us have our scripts printed out, from the very first time we meet out very first partner we have it laid out right in front of us that even years after we still dance to the same beat, just because we haven't the sense to change course and change inevitably, the result. we get so set in our ways that not even a heartbreak can set us free, not even a warning can scare us that no one person can save us from ourselves. the thing with our ways is that the familiarity of the path, the highs we experience and the bitter lows are somewhat what we look forward to.

so it doesn't matter how many times one changes the player the only thing that truly matters is changing the script otherwise it will be as it is. there will be a single script ofyour life and every single time you can tell the outcome unless you put it upon yourself that while changing the players even the script is changed as well.. just for that brand new slate we're always asking for.

my mistakes

When we were children, our mistakes were punishable there and then. We knew what would come immediately after our misdeeds, it bothered us but half of us only thought about for five minutes then let it go. Sometimes after this punishment we would only feel terrible for as long as the wounds heal.

I used to listen to the a song by Dolly Parton which had a caption "My mistakes are no worse than yours just because I'm a woman". For the longest of times i did not iunderstand what it meant. Or perhaps it does not necesarily have a universal meaning, like a painting you derive your meaning. From what I can capture and probably what i can testify, this meant that stop blaming me for everything just because i excuse you and forgive your wrongs does not mean i make bigger mistakes.Which is actually true. I noted in the last couple of weeks that if you dont hold somone to something they have done and b*&^% about it they tend to think it is nothing while when you apologise for something small it is magnified just so someone will have reason to scold you. So i wonder, what is my mistake really? is it that i have abig enough heart to forgive, or i build up the courage and swallow my pride to utter the meaningful words "I'm sorry" ? It is all a mystery. there are times when you feel like everything you touch turns into dirt you cant do anything right. Its painful when people rub it in your face but it is even worse when they do a roll call for all the other mistakes you have ever made.
But what about a mistake that is deadly and just stupid which for whatever reason you, a rational intelligent young person in you 20s or 30s find yoursef still making them to this day.By right they should not be mistakes but they are. And only you experiencing the situation understands why it is a mistake while the control does not get it. Take a person that falls pregnant and says it is a mistake, objectively you cannot agree but emphathy has it. Yes.!! It may just be. Sometimes we say in the heat of the moment this happened if the listner has never been in a moment so hot rationalisation is not within reach well I just wont get it.
Another mistake that you will surely get squandered for is, dating and perhaps laying a lot of guys, yes it is surely sinful and yes it is a matter knowing exactly what you want. Of all the people you have dated who came up and said "I'LL ONLY BE NICE FOR 2 WEEKS THEN I'LL BE A JERK"? i doubt even egomaniacs are able to say such a thing but evidently, it would be way better if they could. Because my "mistake" is going after something i want. If it does not seem to be working perhaps go ahead and look for one that works.
Our main short coming is that we tend to go for the same type person party girls or rapper bad boys over and over again we do the same thing evidently that does not work but is it wrong to hope that it would? Perhaps my mistakes define my thinking and decision making process perhaps my mistakes can be blamed upon someone or something even so these are my mistakes although they may have a ripple effect at the moment my mistakes are my moments of weakness they humble me.
Frankly depending on how big a mistake is rather have that than no life at all as Paulo Coelho says "Whenever we need to make an important decision,it is best to trust impulse and passion,because reason usually tries to remove us from our dream,saying that the time is not yet right.Reason is afraid of defeat,but intuition enjoys life and its challenges"

it is what it is (fact)

Ever noticed how we reduce the seriousness of a situation by labelling it. Everytime you hear of a crime of passion we speak things like "temporary insanity" or "manslaughter" which by definition means that a person did not intend to kill the other person and therefore since there was no motive then a person is off the hook with that technicality. For temporary insanity I dare not mention a word because I belive we've all been through a situation where we had to justify ourselves though we realise things that we're being accused of are not only true but evidently wrong . Imagine how we felt when we spectated the trial of O J Simpson, we set there and we judged him, then when he was aquitted we judged the jury and then the system. Understanding fully that we could not have done anything we have to wonder why he wasnt convicted. We are outside a situation that is why we feel so much power and rationality is it justified? Still on crime of passion, think about the time you learnt a lie is a lie or sin is sin does not matter how small it is it is still sin and punishable at the judges' discretion. Marietta Bosch is another "crime of passion story but this one ends in her "just" capital punishment. This just goes to show although some people feel like crime of passion is somewhat better than murdering someone in cold blood it goes a long way. In the years between 2002 and 2007 Botswana had a huge amount of these crimes but the style or pattern was more on the murder suicide.

While we'd like for people who commit crimes in the heat of the moment to be able to review their actions and repent we wonder why we should while the victim will never get that chance. This debate has been going on forever. While capital punishment is a sure deterent it also deemed as an inhumane act and like someone once said "a state sanctioned murder" which of course I personally believe its "aiite". Being in a situation is more than knowing about a situation. With that in mind let us try to understand both Mr Simpson and Ms Bosch's motives. Bosch's was always deemed selfish and back-stabbing and Simpson's was just brutal and worse the way he spoke about it made it ever so hard for people to emphathise. I still do not get why we label things such as murder call it "crime of passion" rape call it "defilement" and an inability to look at molestation for what it really is, ABUSE.!! Whether is by spoken word or the actual touching. And there is of course Pedophilia which is meant to be a psycological issue, where is the root of this type behaviour.

We justify because we want to be credited for discoveries we dont want to see things for what they really are because the reality is that we have allowed for sin and evil to dwell in us just because we do it we clean up its name and make it fancy, embesselment is stealing why cant we just say it like that?why do we need a fancy incomprehensable name for it?call that person a thief, murderer,rapist or sickening if that it how you feel because it is what deters unsual unnatural behaviour say it like it is....afterall it is what it is aint it?

my first time (Guilt and Sin)

Isnt it odd how we always remember our first time? the significance of first time is written on a stone but for an individual is it not impossible that it may just be written on a piece of scrap paper worse yet, on sand by the seashore. we all have beliefs that govern us sometimes these are forced upon us to a point where believing them is not only a realilty but also a part of life we dread simple because these are standards set just so well all fall short of them. they are set intentionally in such a way we cannot do anything to work along them. For instance, I cant remember the first time i saw my youngest brother as a baby, but for whatever reason I cant seem to forget my first crush despite the fact that not only did he live far away, by right i shouldnt remeber his face. Or to think that i cant remember the date of my own father's fatal accident yet the first peck i ever got heck i could tell u the exact moment, location and time that evening lets not forget the words leading to that. but like i said it was just a peck on the cheeck. explain how that can top my father's fatal accident which by the way ended up with a car crushed beyond repair and his face bruised not to mention his legswollen. God's grace no one died. But I cant remember because there is that actual kiss after the peck i mentioned. ask me any detail, i'll narrate as though it is fiction. My first heartbreak, even that takes priority over my first exam scare. and oath not only to be safe but all but let anyone use or abuse me, I remember only bits and pieces of an oath that could send me burning kicking and screaming all the way to the devil but how could I forget my 9th first kiss?seriously?!! Perhaps our priorities are screwed up because of the things we go through, things that damage us and things that get in our way.think about, sin comes over us like a cloud. All our first times that we mention are things we know are wrong. did you ever hear a person making a fuss about the first time they prayed as child? Or the first time they made dinner? Or the first time they gave away something to charity? Its like a vicious circle we constantly do the same things over and over again until guilt doesnt capture us anymore, not because things became alright to do but that our conscience has given up on us. now can it get any more sad? Personally I think do a re-check when you feel conscience slipping away from you, its a ticking time bomb. This is when you find that the devil that dwells in you will justify every move you make in the wrong direction...but seriously my first time...it is ever such a memory? Not because of anything that happened but because of the guilt that adorns me.