i am a master at it, i learnt it all by myself and my existence dwells in those moments of uncertainty and utter chaos, 'what if'' the question some people dread but i live for. what ever happened to understanding and clinging to the simplicity life can offer us. i'm never sure of why i want two things to play out against each other until the other has won. to stick it to the other and make my decision resound in my head and yet no matter how freshly cut, i as any other person wishing for more excitement that she can afford in her life, i manage to scrutinize my own decisions until i'm certain what i'v gone home with is not the right thing. why would anyone want a life like that?
i take thrills at dilemmas, i seek it out and put it before me for the fun of it. but i'll have you know the game of what if, is not an easy one if anything, it can be brutal, deadly even. between a kind soul and an exciting one, i would like a little of both but surely i cant get both, i of course do not want to choose, at this point, all i can say is the game of what if is not a joke. what is the point of having a kind person if they can not inject some life into your union, i must say it is like watching paint dry, entirely event less, what of the latter? well if someone is all about the adrenaline when do you get a chance to sit and examine things, talk and be still for whatever reason? what if you chose the family man over the exciting career guy you met at work? what if your ambitions are inhibited by the fact that your partner does not understand what you get up to? what if there is someone out there who does?
the game of "what if?" one of my personal favourites but it is not for the faint hearted and please do not try this at home. there are trained professionals for this one.
if ever things are right, if ever life is full, if ever water is available and your children know three meals of the day. what then does it profit a woman to answer a call, ohh so likely to ruin her? does it matter really that 5 years ago you had a spark, isn't what is more relevant why things did not pan out? sometimes the romance of a lost potential "love" is a thought a memory that never happened just find a way to know which one you are looking at.
isn't it true that the most loves we cry over are the ones that failed because of our being young, naive and perhaps even sometimes our very own selfishness? these are the burdens we laden ourselves but what about the things we didn't do? what about the words we didn't say what about the words we wish we had never heard from this old friend?
does it not tell us, when things have gone sour that things had never been sweet? if he/she cheats, does it mean they will stop cheating eventually? 'an-old-friend' thats what we call them sometimes, the people whose hearts we broke, who broke our hearts and who for some reason stopped talking to us! why should i let them back in? to take the shuttered pieces and re-break them? really am i so damaged that even when all else seems fine i need to go round the block and take back the heartbreaker?
is this new call really new? or does the familiarity appeal to me and as time has passed delude me into thinking its a new call? old friends don't always have a place in our new life... take your time, sieve, weed and use a fine comb...who is an old friend, what is a new call, who is deceiving you? or is it truly, a brand new call from a real old friend?
Who knows hope if not the person who lives in a dungeon?who knows hope if not an innocent man on death row, who knows hope if not a mother waiting for her child to get home, who in this world knows hope if not a child that has done his best in his examinations, indeed who knows hope if not you? after mentions of hope i must say there are things i think about that might possibly be the very definition of hope. i make time to find my way, to ensure that my life decisions lead somewhere i follow a code of education that was handed down to me by my own parents. there is no chance in my life that i could sit about and wait for life to happen, because in all honesty life is not about that neither is hope. my hopes and my dreams change as others are fulfilled and by far i have found so much to be in my favour that sometimes when i complain of things gone bad i feel about terrible of my complaints, truly what right do i have? there are people in world who have no idea what they will have for dinner and yet they hope, people in the world who have no idea when their army will declare a cease fire and yet every night, in their knees they go, and pray. how then am i, a woman with basic needs, who had a loving partner who has healthy children, who has good friends and power in house do i bring myself to be hopeless? Hope has been a word i knew from childhood and yet i never understood how deep it ran, Martin Luther King Jr had hope. he had a dream and he like all great people followed on the example of someone perhaps not greater but an example that brings in hope. my personal hope is that one day i might raise my children in a world where their race is not skin colour, but its making it in a world that learns fast and teaches even faster, where their father's tongue is just as good as their mothers' where their hope is to be better than the generation before them and that they might sacrifice their wants to make it a better world for the generation after that. i hope that they might recognise the dreams and hopes of leaders before them, i hope they will know with their hearts the struggles of Mahatma Gandhi and Dr King, understand that violence never fixed anything. these men decided to make their lives about everyone else' freedom they lived truly for the next generation and their hearts have been extended to us, because they have taught us better than what we always knew. in his 381day bus boycott Dr King adopted a non violent protest, it had been the most efficient his was an amazing example that hope for the next generation can be done through a simple act of love. Jesus himself taught without violence, in everything he did, he taught of brotherly love and loving an enermy. its amazing isnt it? that the world persecutes the hopeful and embraces the people who preach violence and death, we love to know that hope is for the silly,the dreamy, the easily forgotten. find a place in your heart where hope resides, give it your best shot. find someone who gives you hope, find a soul that will give you a chance to dream, and mid dream find a soul that will remind you that dreaming and living the dream takes time takes commitment. do you have the right person by your side right now?is there hope in your life?
