hard to say goodbye

If i should one day find a reason to say goodbye to myself, i'll have no reason at all to live. My enemy is simply my greatest asset. My being naive and being kind and ready to believe are the things that make me who i am, so again i say; if i have to say goodbye what reason have I to still call myself me. In a time where we give off our being to people who barely recognise our need to be ourselves, i find my mind wandering because deep inside i know that surely i'm not as cold and unfeeling as i have to make people believe. It is a protective cover for me but what about the people who deserve to know me how will they know who i am if i can't put myself out there?
It is not a weakness to be loving and to believe in romance and all the things that come with it. it is not silly to believe in love, to interpret a gesture in a way that makes you smile. What about the people who chip away at your heart everytime you show them a genuine piece of you? how does one protect themselves from them?
I want to believe that at one point in my knowing you, however tragic it ended, that you had once smiled at me with honesty and feeling. I hope that once you kissed me with all the honesty of an innocent child. that when you kissed away my pain you believed in love. and that it was all worth it for you when one day i smiled back at you with true happiness.
how then can i deny myself to re-live, to hope for more of those moments with you, with anyone else in the world. how do you rationally want me to give up my hope for another smile, to get over a kiss so tender so true, to not trust in a genuine heart, to pretend that love is less than existent. How do you expect me to say goodbye to the thing that makes me ME? Something that even i have no idea how to stop. I have to say,its hard to say goodbye to all my moments of pleasure, true unadulterated feelings that i don't reach out for because they are ready to come forth. i'll lean on my faith and i'll keep being the girl that never lost herself because its true, no matter who you where you are, what circumstances you find yourself amidst one will always find it hard to say goodbye to oneself. so this christmas, hope you remember its hard to say goodbye.

Memories

Do we torture ourselves with memories? Shouldn't we be able to let go of things that passed without tears? As i walked through the mall the other day i couldn't help but remember conversation after conversation i'd had with a lost love. The experience was in such a way music played as i walked around the spots we frequented. Of course the music was not background to my memories rather mall music but at the moment felt like soundtrack to this sad moment. It has become socially accepted to weep at the spots that once made you happy. What is it that we are following what is this pit are we falling into? I imagine there has been things more sad in the world than breaking up a budding love, why then has it become so hard for me to go to my favourite book shop and not keep expecting him to look over the shelf the way he did a few months ago? Why then have i been accustomed to shedding tears when a memory good as it might be visits? why have i allowed memories to haunt me and alter my life as i know it?

As i walked into a nearby Borders i felt the his presence, his smell i could swear his touch was not far off. I didn't particularly summon the memories they attacked and hit so hard i had to sit and think. I smiled and started laughing felt tender air brush against my skin and caress me i'm hopelessly at the mercy of these thoughts that follow me imprison me and hack at me until with my face in my hands i sob. Then suddenly the air seemed to disappear as though being sucked out from out of me and the sobs choked me as i desperately fought to breath. The memory takes me the same way everytime i walk into the shop and i keep wondering, why can't i remember my smile that day the butterflies and she soft blush of seeing a face i'd come to care for? why have i not been accustomed to dwelling in the happy memories as happy rather than twist them into sad limbo? when will i free myself of this memory or rather just claim it as one of my happy moments?

Why have i allowed myself to be enslaved by sadness? is it how society has moulded me? is it truly human nature? is it because i don't know any better? I hum a song, and tears come flooding down my cheeks my ears sting and a lump takes residence in my throat. Why am i allowing my mind to think of all things lost when all things gained are greater? why am i troubled when peace should be my constant companion now?why do things seem to fall apart when they should be stacking up as i build new soft memories that are just me, enjoying life and taking in the caress of the wind, kiss of the sun and the soft slaps and tease of the rain? i'll take my memories now and put them where they won't haunt me, take them out whenever i please and fold them back when i don't need them anymore. Memories... sad or happy i still own them they don't own me.