Ever noticed how beautiful things are in retrospect? how incredible we were? how much money we had? how good we had it in general? Well of course its enticing but the fun the beauty of life is understanding that at the present moment if things are bad they could be worse and if they are good then really we just have it good and leave it at that. i love the smell of fresh flowers, its an absolute cliche but then again there is a string of cliche that i could lay down for you and i'm sure i would very seriously stun you at how much f a cliche you (and I ) are. perhaps if i'm to bring you home i'd say i also love the smell of fried chicken, or (and more importantly) i love the sweet smell that only a baby can produce. I think, (by now) that it is what innocence smells like. that beautiful scent that pulls you in and (for some reason) u are so in love with that small thing u hold in your hands that you couldn't imagine hurting (or losing) them.
they appeal to a small bit of us because we have felt that affection in people who held us, and sometimes i wonder, how many of us realise how much we dwell in the past? i enjoy as much as the next person to reminice and really dream about how beautiful things were back in the day, but sometimes i think about now, whhat i've achieved, what i enjoy now are the moments that i continue to cherish even as they happen. i manage somehow to love right now, the smile i wish would last forever the kiss that increasingly intoxicating touch, kiss..(well you know what i mean). So why then do i still sometimes, steal away and continue to dream about things gone away instead of love today for what it is, today! with all its problems and sunshines and beautiful landscapes... why do i still look back and want to savour the past?
a lady told me once that retrospect or hind-sight is like stale food, while it might somehow taste good (i admit dont make a lot of sense but bear with me) it cannot be good for the body. (hope u get it)
July 29, 2011
July 26, 2011
back @ 1
i probably should be a little more positive. seeing as i have all these things to look forward. well not a lot of things but you know? it cant be the most awful thing to be can it? my stomach is in knots my head feels hot.. not in a metaphoric kind of "hot" just hot as in the temperature is pretty high. So yes sometimes when shoes hurt and the pants wont fit and all i really want is a genuine smile saying, "well i still care for you same as i did when all those things fit." no scratch that, i"need" that smile its kind of like a lifeline. Anyway i should say why this is suddenly saying all this i mean, i do sometimes go on and on about the really cool things i have in my life..(well not "really" cool) just the acceptably cool things i have (or associate with) ok! before i lose you entirely, i feel like all too many times i'm the one who has to start over, and not in that exciting (i've so waited for this moment) kind of way. Its more like i fail again and it really sucks!
so yes i'm here now punching so much of my emotion into the computer hoping the release gives atleast room to breath because lord knows i need to breath. Literally like exhale, feel like i'm alive again. Its a painful sight to see a young lady (i need the flattery) sitting in front of the computer focused entirely on the screen listening (absently) to old hardcore love songs. it could mean anything really, but to explain why it is "painful" is simply (or not that simply) that there is only so much she could be doing. Surfing the net solely to find a knight in shining amour (yes i said it!) or trying so hard to connect back with the people i always said i wouldn't. Tough revelation, (but true nonetheless) but i say it knowing full well what it will do my reputation. The protester in me wants to claim that all i do when i go online is talk to "good" friends and not fish for any information, as in it just flies and rests on my lap... no prying. i'm only human and sometimes i'm a little too desperate to show that i actually am not just a mere human (what a waste). when it comes to it, thats all we are. And we (I) need the company the (constant) attention and the absolute immense need to hold my hand in public. Not obsessive, (Well kind of) before you go and tell me be careful what you wish for, let me explain. Ever seen those nauseating couples that us (other) people cannot stand? I love them! yes i absolutely do.
So there! right now, i hate that i'm back at one. Looking again in an incredibly small pool and i can barely swim its frustrating to even think i now have to learn and go swimming in the deep end. back at freakin' one!
so yes i'm here now punching so much of my emotion into the computer hoping the release gives atleast room to breath because lord knows i need to breath. Literally like exhale, feel like i'm alive again. Its a painful sight to see a young lady (i need the flattery) sitting in front of the computer focused entirely on the screen listening (absently) to old hardcore love songs. it could mean anything really, but to explain why it is "painful" is simply (or not that simply) that there is only so much she could be doing. Surfing the net solely to find a knight in shining amour (yes i said it!) or trying so hard to connect back with the people i always said i wouldn't. Tough revelation, (but true nonetheless) but i say it knowing full well what it will do my reputation. The protester in me wants to claim that all i do when i go online is talk to "good" friends and not fish for any information, as in it just flies and rests on my lap... no prying. i'm only human and sometimes i'm a little too desperate to show that i actually am not just a mere human (what a waste). when it comes to it, thats all we are. And we (I) need the company the (constant) attention and the absolute immense need to hold my hand in public. Not obsessive, (Well kind of) before you go and tell me be careful what you wish for, let me explain. Ever seen those nauseating couples that us (other) people cannot stand? I love them! yes i absolutely do.
So there! right now, i hate that i'm back at one. Looking again in an incredibly small pool and i can barely swim its frustrating to even think i now have to learn and go swimming in the deep end. back at freakin' one!
July 11, 2011
20years
I dream about writing a book, it will be something about love i think, nothing self-"helpy" i cant claim to know anything really so it will be about my experience. Something about not seeming desperate to the opposite sex. Yes some kind of guide of how i stopped looking desperate (yes there has been times when i felt my desperacy choking people) it would be simple and to the point, it would help women understand atleast several types of guys and then help them figure out to deal. And then maybe i could right about first loves (provided i can find someone worthy of being called that) how amazing it feels, the illusions etc. But what i believe is probably the biggest wish right now, is to right an experience book,
"In this 20years". This is probably every little girl's dream...or in my case young lady's dream. I think if i could right a novel about a strong relationship running for 20years i would have achieved more than i ever dreamt. Yes the illusions of the one and all the things that feminists say about men. But wouldn't one just love to find him. Not the perfect man or magic man but a man that fits in with me. There is teasing and laughing and just plain loving. i want that 20years. People tell me to concentrate on the now, and yes i would if there was anything to concentrate on (love wise) but i have learnt so much, (i did a self-acceptance course for crying out loud) and continue to learn things that make me (i think) a much better person than i ever thought i would be. This (fantasy) book would reveal how we met, why we clicked and perhaps how to spot the right man (for you) it would be inspiration.
To teach women is something that everyone tries to do, to control our minds and tell how to behave around opposite sex. What about how to enable him to feel comfortable around you with all these books in our shelves basically telling me to trick him and to hurt him and to turn him into my property.? No this book would be about the smile you share with him, the meals, the routines that don't even feel like routines because the two of you are comfortable in them, 20years would be like sharing a fussy feeling with every person that reads it. Without asking her to change and be me, but to allow someone who fits to find her. Thats what i want to see happen. 20years, can you imagine understanding that everyone has a different fussy feeling to share and there is nothing wrong with bringing home the bacon or letting him bring home the bacon. When capitalists still exist but somehow manage to stay out of our love.
Now what might not be clear here is that, its not a dream because i want to boast or to show someone up. The dream here is that there is nothing i want more than to find love and be able to keep it. Not lock it down.But have a love that is exactly that "love" in this 20years...
"In this 20years". This is probably every little girl's dream...or in my case young lady's dream. I think if i could right a novel about a strong relationship running for 20years i would have achieved more than i ever dreamt. Yes the illusions of the one and all the things that feminists say about men. But wouldn't one just love to find him. Not the perfect man or magic man but a man that fits in with me. There is teasing and laughing and just plain loving. i want that 20years. People tell me to concentrate on the now, and yes i would if there was anything to concentrate on (love wise) but i have learnt so much, (i did a self-acceptance course for crying out loud) and continue to learn things that make me (i think) a much better person than i ever thought i would be. This (fantasy) book would reveal how we met, why we clicked and perhaps how to spot the right man (for you) it would be inspiration.
To teach women is something that everyone tries to do, to control our minds and tell how to behave around opposite sex. What about how to enable him to feel comfortable around you with all these books in our shelves basically telling me to trick him and to hurt him and to turn him into my property.? No this book would be about the smile you share with him, the meals, the routines that don't even feel like routines because the two of you are comfortable in them, 20years would be like sharing a fussy feeling with every person that reads it. Without asking her to change and be me, but to allow someone who fits to find her. Thats what i want to see happen. 20years, can you imagine understanding that everyone has a different fussy feeling to share and there is nothing wrong with bringing home the bacon or letting him bring home the bacon. When capitalists still exist but somehow manage to stay out of our love.
Now what might not be clear here is that, its not a dream because i want to boast or to show someone up. The dream here is that there is nothing i want more than to find love and be able to keep it. Not lock it down.But have a love that is exactly that "love" in this 20years...
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