back @ 1

i probably should be a little more positive. seeing as i have all these things to look forward. well not a lot of things but you know? it cant be the most awful thing to be can it? my stomach is in knots my head feels hot.. not in a metaphoric kind of "hot" just hot as in the temperature is pretty high. So yes sometimes when shoes hurt and the pants wont fit and all i really want is a genuine smile saying, "well i still care for you same as i did when all those things fit." no scratch that, i"need" that smile its kind of like a lifeline. Anyway i should say why this is suddenly saying all this i mean, i do sometimes go on and on about the really cool things i have in my life..(well not "really" cool) just the acceptably cool things i have (or associate with) ok! before i lose you entirely, i feel like all too many times i'm the one who has to start over, and not in that exciting (i've so waited for this moment) kind of way. Its more like i fail again and it really sucks!
so yes i'm here now punching so much of my emotion into the computer hoping the release gives atleast room to breath because lord knows i need to breath. Literally like exhale, feel like i'm alive again. Its a painful sight to see a young lady (i need the flattery) sitting in front of the computer focused entirely on the screen listening (absently) to old hardcore love songs. it could mean anything really, but to explain why it is "painful" is simply (or not that simply) that there is only so much she could be doing. Surfing the net solely to find a knight in shining amour (yes i said it!) or trying so hard to connect back with the people i always said i wouldn't. Tough revelation, (but true nonetheless) but i say it knowing full well what it will do my reputation. The protester in me wants to claim that all i do when i go online is talk to "good" friends and not fish for any information, as in it just flies and rests on my lap... no prying. i'm only human and sometimes i'm a little too desperate to show that i actually am not just a mere human (what a waste). when it comes to it, thats all we are. And we (I) need the company the (constant) attention and the absolute immense need to hold my hand in public. Not obsessive, (Well kind of) before you go and tell me be careful what you wish for, let me explain. Ever seen those nauseating couples that us (other) people cannot stand? I love them! yes i absolutely do.
So there! right now, i hate that i'm back at one. Looking again in an incredibly small pool and i can barely swim its frustrating to even think i now have to learn and go swimming in the deep end. back at freakin' one!