When i first saw a lighthouse, i didn't know what it was. I did not take note of it. In fact i remembered it in retrospect. Or did I? You see i frankly cannot quite touch that elusive moment in my life when I recognised a light house for its purpose. These are the little things that tug at the sides of my mind because for me a lighthouse is a way for anyone to find their way home. Whether is a sailor on the rough seas or a child that's lost their way. Its like falling into the right arms, to sob onto the appropriate shoulder or to cuddle against the right body.
My whole dating life I never once spoke to my mother about the kind of life I led, I never had an opportunity to speak to her on issues that led to broken hearts and broken spirits. Neither one of us knew how to approach it. We spoke of universal hypothetical situations and she tensed at the thought of me being tickled by a boy or even remotely being interested in a boy. She preached better grades and growing up. She preached independence and eventually as subtly as she could a lifelong singlehood. I would love to blame her for all my heartbreaks and what failures i could claim to have, but that would be a stupid move on my side, because with all her non-talks my mother prepared me for the one talk that ever mattered.
"There isn't a marriage in the world that can survive without love." I thought to my shocked self, 'well of course' and then she went on to tell me that when a woman is loved she is supported in all her endeavours she is given room to be with her thoughts, she is spoken to, and she is her partner's friend. She told me that a woman can earn more or less that she can have no taste or lots of taste, but if she is loved these do not make any difference in the home. My somewhat traditional mother told me her young impressionable take on the world daughter that what I need isn't a loaded man, but a man willing to do more for me simply because I'm me, she said i don't need a man that's handsome as long as he is kind to me and loves me completely.
As my mother spoke that mellow way she does when she is calm, against my own partner i made a mental check list and whatever result I had i realised that my mother is afraid to let me go, not because she is possessive of me or my sister or my brothers but because my mother is afraid of losing us to a world that won't love us how she feels we deserve or failing to make the life that she wishes for us. I can't imagine a life without my loving funny happy go-lucky stubborn partner, how can I show my deeply traditional mother that life is going to happen? To assure her that she raised a dysfunctional, happy, passionate child who has gotten her heartbroken but is still ready to love and give her all, how can i show her that in all her protection my mother herself in me?
